Dreams : Ideas Flowing Like...

I find myself sleeping in a very large bedroom. My bed, a large four-poster California King with a very cozy down comforter, looks tiny in this massive master bedroom. The master bedroom was very large and also had a beautiful wood ceiling. The walls are fine silk wallpaper and the floor is a beautiful bamboo hardwood finish. The bed, in the room, was on the right 1/3 of the room with the rest of the room furnished as a large sitting area.

As I lay there dreaming, I get the sensation of something stepping on my toes. It feels like the tiny feet of my bird Rico. Every Sunday morning, when he is let out of his cage, he flies upstairs and into my bedroom.

He jumps off my toes, walks up my leg, steps on my stomach and makes his way across my chest. This is his usual path on his way to see my face. Standing at the edge of the comforter, which I have tucked under my chin, he sits there looking at me. I am now awakened by the noise Rico makes as he repeatedly turns his head side to side to get a better look at me, with both of his eyes.

I open my eyes, and Rico is startled. He chirps and then flies off. As he flies off, there is a green, orange & brown trail behind him. At first, I thought -what the heck? - but it was green, orange & brown and its trailing as he flies circles around the room. "Hey! Wait a second, green, orange & brown?" I immediately sit up on the edge of the bed & look down at the floor where its dropping. It is tiny little lovebirds with green plumage & orange cheeks walking all over the floor. I mean tiny! They are only about a 1/2 tall and there are so many of them!

This is weird! Tiny little birds walking around with a few brown worms to boot. I am totally shocked by this and I charge out of the room to get the camera! "Nobody is going to believe this! I need some evidence." I charge down the stairs & oddly enough, my wife is sleeping on the mid-span on this beautiful grand staircase. At the time, I didn't think much of it and just kept going. But when I came charging back, she was gone.

The house was a very beautiful Spanish-style mansion - felt like one of the homes I've done. The living room where my camera was, had a 14' tall pecky cypress ceiling, marble floors and the walls were a fine Venetian plaster finish. The room was one of my designs and the ceiling was finely detailed with cross beams and very ornate trim.

When I came back to the bedroom, the raised-paneled mahogany door was closed and the lower left hand corner was spray-painted with an enamel paint. The fresh baby-poop colored paint is dripping down the wall and door and spilling onto the beautiful bamboo hardwood floor. I step over it anyway and enter the room. In entering the room, I find this room feeling weird now. "I would never design the bed right in front of the door?" I question, but soon forget this inquiry and remember what I was doing.

To my surprise, there are no little birds anymore. The only thing I see is a few brown worms coiled up like a spring. I bend down to take a macro shot of the tiny worms, when I notice the noise in the other end of the room. Instead of getting up, I look thru the space under the bed & notice lots of legs & activity in the other side of the room. I get up and there, where the sitting area used to be, now sits several drawing tables with people bustling around. It looks like a brainstorming meeting waiting on the chief art director.

---

So you know what comes next... my interpritation of the dream:

OK so birds flying are symbols of communication and ideas. Over on DreamMoods.com : To see a bird in your dream, suggests that a message is being conveyed to you. Birds in history are also messangers. The fact that they are circling me means, to me, that my ideas are flowing. Also the fact that the bird is pooping other birds means to me that ideas are really flowing and more communication is being generated all around.

I saw the rooms in very vivid detail so the reason I saw the living room & master bedroom this way is because this is what I do for a living. I design homes. Everything centered around this house - around my design. Then finally I discover (that in my own room) there are many people bustling around and are even having a 'brainstorming' session.

So to wrap all this together, Ideas (creating, designing) are flowing like crazy all around me. My designs are the center of where all this is happening and there are people waiting to brainstorm with me. To create new ideas and have them flow all around.

Funny enough - or maybe this is why I am interpreting the dream this way - is that I just resolved to take my design ideas and spread them a round. I just created new opportunities to share them with people around other countries and share my ideas for luxurious living. Creating spaces that inspire and surrounds the occupants with luxurious environments to fill their souls.

There was one part that seemed off. When I left the room, I returned to a spray-painted door (ruined beautiful mahogany door) dripping on the bamboo floor; the room layout was off; no birds in the room and only brown coiled worms.

So this seems to be a word of caution in the message.

To me this means to keep my eye on the ideas. Keep them flowing & don't get distracted by the 'brown worms.' Not worry or get too focused on proving ("evidence") of anything to anybody. Just do it as my heart tells me so and for the fulfillment of people's soul. Stepping up and being 'the art director' they are waiting for, will ultimately be the fullest expression of who I am and will fill my soul.

Visitaion : #15 Confirmed

Today my wife got a call that Julito passed away. This confirms the premonition I had on the 15th.

We went to visit the family & when we got there I got the confirmation of my visitation dream. The family was at peace & they were complete with the way Julito passed away. They were not crying over the loss, but were praising God for not letting him suffer and live in a long vegetated state.

Luis even shared with us that 10 years ago, Julito got ill and was ready to die. Luis' son was about to be born & Luis asked God to keep Julito around a little while longer so that he can be with his grandson. He thanked God for the additional time Julito had to spend with the family & the grandson.

They were now OK with him passing and the time had come for him to be with God. They were OK because in their eyes God had given them a sign at the hospital. A flock of pigeons started gathered outside his hospital room window the evening that he was taken to Hospice. Grays on one side, whites on another & a reddish one in the middle. Even the nurses commented on how odd that was. They've never seen the birds before today.

This was the case for a few days. But on the day Julito was to pass, the birds flew away an hour after his passing.

Visitation : #15 Another Active Dream Night

Another active dream night! Let me rephrase that... They are all active, but this night was really impactful and is visitation 15. So to go right into the dream:

I'm standing there waiting for my seminar to start. I am nervously rubbing my hands when somebody comes up to me. "Linda needs to see you right away" he says, pointing down the hall towards the end of the building where the gymnasium is located. "Right now?" I question. "Yes, In the gym. It's urgent!"

OK, so I head down the hallway, passed the double fire doors with the tiny wire-mesh glass that only gives you a glimpse of what's on the other side. I push the gray doors which seem to weight heavy to the touch. I have to push even harder just to get them to open. Once on the other side, I walk into the tiny vestibule of the gymnasium. There is nobody here so I look around to get a clue. The room is small with a low acoustical ceiling and with only two sets of doors. The choice is clear. To the right, a single narrow door leading into the coaches office, but straight ahead is a double set of doors that I assume will lead me into the gym.

I push them open and walk into a large, white, voluminous room. Everywhere there is equipment lining up the wall. Straight ahead there is a basketball hoop. To the right at the end of the room seems to be the only clear line of path. Except that its just an edge that seems to drop off. I walk over to the edge, looking for a ladder or stairs down, but none that I can find.

No way down but a slatted wall, that seems to be like a stacked set of red 'p-leather' bleachers. I am at the top of these bleachers & scaling them seems like the only way down. Down below I hear people, so it can't be that bad of a climb down.

I climb down & when I get there, I see a guy & two ladies. I know them! the figures don't look like them, but I know it's them. The guy is on the left side of this lower gym, somewhat in the distance, with his back towards me. I walk towards him and for every step I take he seems to get further away from me. I call his name to which he responds by turning his head. He looks at me in the eye & then looks away.

The older lady is on the far right corner, almost frozen with a bluish, gray parka. Definitely does not seem approachable. The younger girl is on the near right coming out of this darkened hallway. She is wearing a pale yellow knee length hooded parka. You know the kind - fur rim around the hood, wrists and hem. This one was dingy looking though. As if she has fallen in some rough, slushy puddle and splashed around in it for a while.

"Hi..." she looks up and makes eye contact for a nanosecond. Drops her sad, watery eyes and quickly dashes by me as if she did not know me. Everything seems strange - off you know...

I walk into the darkened hallway and to my surprise, there's Linda & Gladys. They have their backs to me & are talking to a man, seated on the bench. He is tall looking, with a dark blue rain coat and a clean shaven head. He looks up at me and I see a thick mustache. He looks like an agent from an insurance company or collection agency. Anyway, Linda notices him looking up and turns around. "Pablo,.... Um, this gentleman, ah... is looking for you!" Linda says startled but with a sad puppy dog look in her eyes. "What is going on?" I question. Linda steps back and almost bangs into the louvered doors. "He's asking about your Range Rover!"

"Mr Solis, can you tell me the vehicle's mileage the last time you drove it?" he questions with a serious look on his face. "What?... I guess its around 103,500... Why?" I question back, puzzled at such an odd question. "Could it be 103,597??" He asks.

"What the hell is this about?" I yell back, feeling extremely frustrated now, and not knowing why, slightly concerned. "Please step into the next room, Mr Solis... please?"

Now I am really concerned! "What is going on?" I insisted. "Please step into the next room..."

I walk into this bright, white hallway that opens up to a even whiter & brighter room with tiled walls and floor. To the right there is a empty steel table on the side. The room looks like a morgue and now with that chill running down my back, feels like one too. As I stepped into the room, there is a cold steel table with a lumpy, blue hospital sheet. I am shocked! there is a body under that sheet! it is a long, heavy looking person. The only part of the body I can see is the forehead and the bluish-gray hair on a large head. By the look of the hairline, I can tell that it's an older man.

I don't know who that can be, so I don't react in any kind of way to seeing a dead body under a sheet. It almost seems like I'm watching a TV horror show. I was very detached to what I was seeing until I step forward some more. There, in another table is a small body laying face down, not covered by a sheet and fully dressed in a black Tuxedo. I can see the patented leather shoes, the white socks and the velvet stripe down the leg of the pant. The lower torso is detached from the bottom of the jacket. Now that hit me hard! This is a little boy...

I keep scanning up the body in a slow-motion pace. The jacket is wet, and the hands are still red. I can see water droplets dripping out the tip of the hands. "Hey I recognize that hand!!" I screamed! "What the hell is going on...." The next thing I see is the head. It is severed just below the hair line. The head is full of beautiful black hair. Long, nicely combed back and gelled. The hair is parted in the middle just like.....

"No fucking way - it can't be!!" The head is turned slightly sideways & I saw that profile...

"AAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Nooooooo way!! God no this can't beeeeeeeee!!!" Not my son!!!

I scream and fall to the ground in the disbelief. "Noooo! This can't be... why didn't anybody warn me that this was the horror I am to witness..."

Things seems to fade away for what felt like hours. Finally when I became aware of where I am, I find that I am sitting up, with my head in my hands and my elbows on my knees. I am crying so much that the tears seem to have dried out. I look up and I see Linda and the bald-headed agent standing there. For a second I draw a blank, then the horror of the moment hits me. I jump to my feet and turn the severed head over. The eyes are both wide open and I see that he has blue eyes. "That's not my boy!! My son has brown eyes, so that is most definitely not him!!!!"

I run screaming of joy that it's not my boy. I run out of that building and run home to be with my son.

---

Now my interpretation of this dream:

First I woke myself up from the dream several times because I, obviously, did not like what I was seeing. I woke up crying my head off and feeling like my heart has been ripped out! I woke myself up to make sure this was not real. Real it did feel! The pain and anguish I felt still hits me hard.

But from past experience, I know I am dreaming and this is just a visitation. Lately the visitations have been gruesome ... So of course it looks like this. Now if you are a first time reader, this may sound cold & heartless, but if you've been reading my other posts you will see that this is like visitation 15, 16 or so. So it is no news to me that I would have this kind of dream.

I now know that It is telling me of an upcoming event that looks nothing like this. So I must take it for what it is not what it looks like or feels like.

I know that I need to analyze that dream in order to understand that message: The first thing that hits me is the repetition of the number three (3). 3 sets of doors (2/1); 3 areas - the gym, lower gym & then the morgue - (2/1). The three persons I knew in the lower gym (2 female/1 male)and then the three people in the darkened hallway (2 female/1 male). Waking into the morgue there are 3 steel tables. Again 2 occupied/1 not. Even the boy's body was in three parts.

Also the colors I saw were 3 (red, yellow & blue) - Even the gray things I saw were in 3 shades. So what does this pattern tell me?

In Numerology number 3: socially active, artistic, very positive and optimistic, playful, happy and fun-loving, inspirational, imaginative, motivating, enthusiastic and uplifting.

In Dream Interpretation the number 3 may symbolize completeness and fulfillment - for example, the resolving of conflict between two opposing psychic forces.

In Christianity: 3 is the number of the Holy Father, Son & Holy Spirit. It is completeness of who God is.

Next symbolism: It was very odd seeing, what at first I thought was my son. And then ultimately realizing that it wasn't him. This leads me to believe that it will be a family member, but not an immediate member, like my wife or son.

The gray hair is another big hint. It tells me its a male. The forehead and the gray hair, but not being able to see the face keeps it as a distant relative.

OK who do I know that is fun-loving, socially active, & uplifting distant relative. One that is currently ill?? Even making his way in life to be complete. The only person I know of is... Julito.

I pray : dear God, please keep his soul & allow him to leave this world complete. I pray that his family, left behind, is also complete and at peace with his parting. May his journey be one of peace & that he rejoice in your love.

It is Well with My Soul...

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul."
-- Ho­ra­tio G. Spaf­ford

I can say that it is truly well with my soul and there really is 'nothing wrong' in the overall scheme of things.

Last night my aunt Olga passed away. She had been living 15 years on dialisys for a kidney transplant that never took. This had been affecting her all these years and her body just could not take it anymore. She suffered imensely thru those years and finally, her body was hit with a brain hemmorage. She refused to allow the doctors to operate and release the pressure. She refused any and all treatments and in doing so she sealed her fate. The next day she lapsed into a coma, from which she never awoke.

I just realized that the dreams I've been having about the women submitting to their death relates to my aunt! She has been suffering too long. A prisoner to her own body, she needed to be free. By dying she is now free from the pain and the agony she must have been sufferning all those years.

Peace be with you, Tia...

Be Still & All Will Be Revealed

Be still, and know that I am God!...”
-- Psalm 46:10

It is in the stillness that all is revealed.

Wow, last night was another crazy dream night. The theme from the previous night is the same (women surrendering themselves to their demise) but this time it was more graphic and in black and white.

In this dream, three women approach three stalls and surrender themselves to the execution. each one pulls up the skirt just above the knee and kneels down. On her knees, she crawls into the stall (scraping her knees) to be beheaded. Two of them are way inside the stall and I am spared seeing the beheading. But the third is half-way out and I get a full view of the brutality of a failed beheading.

Now I gotta warn you, this section is where it gets quite graphic! so I have hidden this paragraph. click to expand & read this...

This woman is kneeling and asking for the executioner to get started. He weals not an ax, but a pick, and smacks it into the crown of her head. This does not do the deed and he goes to pull it out. She demands that he does not take it out. He is yanking at it and her head is being pulled with every yank. This looks and feels, to me, so extremely painful, but she complains not. He could actually release the agony, but she refuses.

Next, another executioner comes and she demands of him to complete the execution, while the first guy is still doing his yanking. He weals a very heavy sword at her neck and again it fails. The sword is carving away at the skin on the back of her neck, peeling back the skin and exposing the bone. Ultimately, she dies from the wounds and she could have gone without the added suffering.

I came back and added the graphic content because I feel that it is relevant to what occurred this week. It is what was in my dream and it was there for a reason. Sorry if you do not agree with me adding it - but I did warn you!

---

After witnessing that level of brutality, I must call on God’s light to enter my heart and provide clarity. This is where “be still” fits in perfectly. In the mist of the graphic nature, there is a message. I am upset with myself for having these dreams. Yes, they are graphic! I sometimes even question the morbid sense of the dream. So this is where I need to draw on my inner strength and not go into the 'make wrong' aspect.

I can’t “be still” if I'm fretting about or questioning whether this is right or wrong - based on my earthly morals & convictions. I must trust and be humble so that I would be usable in His hand - after all, this isn’t for me but for His purpose.

I just simply need to “be still.” There is a message yet to be revealed.

All in Due Time...

Last night & the night before, I had some very strange dreams. These dreams were of women - mostly late middle-age women - all surrendering themselves in different ways. One was physically abused to her death & never challenged her abuse. Another stretched out her neck into the noose to be executed. Any way they all are giving in to their sentence. They were all taken away to their death sentence, but none resisted.

The other thing that was strange is that they were all asking for it - almost demanding to be killed. I don't mean asking for it - as if they were evil kind-of-way, but it seemed as if they could not bear the conditions of their lives and asked for & welcomed the end.

The other overwhelming feeling I get is that in releasing their soul from their physicality, they are doing an act of compassion. Compassion of what - for who - I do not know. I don't quite understand this feeling but it's almost as if their are sacrificing themselves for the betterment of others.

Like I say, I don't quite understand this one nor am I going to dwell in needing to understand it. I will know when the time comes.

They mostly followed orders and even gave up what they needed, for others to have. This occurred over several dreams, across several days, thru out many lives. I don't know what they are about or what they are supposed to mean.

But they had several things in common:

• All the women were late, middle-age - too young to die.


• All are surrendering & giving in to the inevitable.


• They never complained nor even cried out in pain.


• They all welcomed their end - an act of release.


• They gave themselves for others - a selfless act.

But the most impactful part was that they all felt, to me, to be accepting of the fact that they are here due to their own actions. What they did has caused them to be here going thru what they are going thru. They are paying the price for letting their past be the way it was.

The question I am asking myself now - is this a prelude to another visitation? It seems to have the hallmark signs of one, but who do I know that is sick and ready to go? Who is the person leaving and letting me know that their time has come?

So I thank God for the clarity in seeing the sign and for the gift this is. I even thank him for not giving me the foresight to know who the person is, because if I knew (& this turned out to be someone close to me) then I may be too swept up in emotions to see the message clearly.

Now on to the next step. Waiting to see what the message is. Not to rush it, because the next step is the reveal of who is going to pass.

All in due time...

Today is the Day

Today is the day!! TR called me and requested time to speak with me about SM. I am a little nervous now but it is time to "face the music" (as the saying goes) and deliver to her, the message entrusted in me.

TR is a friend with whom I have shared about my 'abilities' She knows what it is I do and her first question was: "Did SM communicate with you?"

"Oh-boy" was my first thought, but this is what my dream w/SM said would happen. I shared with her that yes, I have seen him prior to his passing. "Was he wearing a dark shirt w/stripes & a Khaki slacks that night?" was her next question. "Yes, I seem to remember he was..." I replied wondering - that's an odd question. But accepted that this gave her a sense of peace in knowing the answer.

"I ask only because I have not seem SM in a few weeks and the night of his accident he was on his way to my house to spend the weekend with me..." She paused for a minute & I asked her what she was thinking. "I gave him that clothes and that night, I woke up at 1am because I dreamt he was waving goodbye - wearing that clothes." As she said these words she broke down crying. "It's my fault! If he wasn't on his way to see me he would not have died..."

"Don't say that TR, don't you ever believe that! It was his time to go..." I consoled her with a firm tone of voice. "It was the way it needed to be and there is nothing you nor I could have done to have it be different!"

"How can you be sure of that?" She questioned me as she stopped crying.
She asked me to tell her what I saw. As I'm telling her this, she stops me. "No, tell me what else did you see?" So I shared with her the experience I had of SM that night and I shared how I saw him. That his spirit started to leave his body during the middle of the seminar. I saw his spirit ascended and finally leave as he was being acknowledged in front of his peers and how he left complete, that moment, even before the accident.

"He was gone even before the accident?"

"Yes TR," I assured her "his spirit had to go & all that was left was for his physicality to complete & go to rest." This seemed to put her at ease a bit.

Well, showtime is here! this is the moment SM spoke about and I could feel her hurting heart yearning for peace. I relayed the message I got from SM:

That because of her love, he can go complete. She fulfills and completes what was not there for him. It was her love for him that allowed him to be fulfilled."

Having been loved and being 'love' was important for him in order to complete. And she gave him that.

This seemed to calm her soul and seemed to put her at ease. We continued to talk for hours and now her tone of voice was peaceful. She needs to grieve, but can now do so knowing that it was his time. Not worrying, that the accident took his life before he was ready.

We will never be ready to go, but our soul knows when our time comes.

What is the Message...

This morning I woke up from another vivid dream. I had been dreaming about SM & I was having a conversation with him as to why I saw him the way I did. In the dream SM never seemed to be interested in answering what I wanted to know, it was almost as if he would only explain what his purpose was. He explained that he wants his wife, TR, to know that everything is going to be OK. That his passing is as has to be & that there is nothing wrong.

See SM & TR were newlyweds and at the time of his passing they were only married 6-8 months. Of course loosing her newlywed husband is a tragic experience for TR & I asked SM "How am I going to tell her in the mist of this grief?"

SM replied "don't worry she will contact you when it's time!" This kind of gave me a sigh of relief - since I didn't have to find the right moment to tell her.

When I awoke from the dream I felt a great sense of peace & tranquility. See on the day of the accident I went down to see TR and I was there consoling her for a few hours. I knew I had to tell her how I saw SM, but did not dare. I was there for her & I had to consider what her needs were. She cried a lot and kept saying "what am I going to do without SM?"

Then during the funeral services I was holding back the urge to blurt out what I knew. I felt guilty, all that time, that I knew something & said nothing. The funeral service was gigantic - it was not the appropriate time to tell her this! Hundreds of people were there and hundreds more could not be. See SM was a powerful man & he contributed to so many people around the world. He was bigger then life & bigger then I even imagined.

Condolences poured in from all over the world. There even was a conference call for all the people that knew SM, and could be at funeral, to express who SM was for them. Interesting enough there more then 100 persons on the call. People from India, Japan, Australia and even New Zealand. That is how big his presence is in this world.

Now, with this vivid dream, I am at ease knowing that my gut feelings are confirmed - it was not the right time to tell her.

It's funny, most people (or at least the myths & tv movies) believe that 'ghosts' have unfinished business, that is why they hang around. But from my experiences, it is not them - but us - the living who keep them from crossing over. They are complete & it is time for them to go, but we have a hard time letting go. We call them back to this realm.

So anyway, the message that SM wanted TR to know, is that because of her, he can go complete. She fulfills and completes what was not there for him. It was her love for him that allowed him to be fulfilled.

Having been loved and being 'love' was important for him in order to complete.

That Wave is Gaining...

Another type of reoccurring dream that I've had is the Mega Tidal Wave dream.

I find myself driving down an ocean front highway. The ocean to my left with a very wide beach.

It always took us about 5-10 minutes to walk from the road to the waterline.

Today though, the shoreline seems further out. The sky is gray and the wind is unusually blowing to the east. Almost as if the air and water are being sucked out to the ocean.

I continue driving for a while, when the direction of the air shifts and seems to be coming from the east again - but much stronger. I park the car and get out to check things out.

Way out there is a haze. It's like a cloud hovering over the waves, so low that I cannot see the horizon. That's when I realize that it is not a cloud! I could not see it for what it was because it is truly unbelievable. The haze is actually the crest of the wave, but more then 80'-100' high!!

I jump back into the car and drive off. I drive south looking for the next turn off. I fly thru that turn and finally am heading away from the wave. Driving as fast as I can, the wave continues gaining on me. I'm doing 100mph and that wave is catching up as if I was standing still.

The wave is on my tail & I can no longer see the top of the wave on my rearview mirrors. Water splashing around me and that wave is now right behind me.

---

I know! The dreams always end this way with the wave gaining on me but never encompassing me. Now to try and understand the dream.

According to the dream 'dictionaries' Tidal Waves have to do with emotions. With my ability OR inability to deal with them. It symbolizes emotions not expressed or "bottled up" but also the tidal wave symbolizes the "clearing away of old beliefs." To dream of being caught up in a tidal wave, signifies "the strength of your emotions."

The dream is of several types. It is a Recurring Dream and a Nightmare Type and is an expression of "Your perception of the world, health, natural disasters, criticism about politics, finances, crime in the streets and your inability to control such events may sometimes lead to nightmares."

Yes, I do have worries, preoccupations with the state of our economy and the concern of where our world is going to be in the next few years.

I also can't help but to think that the dream is also a Prophetic Type of dream.

Mystic Journey (Cont.)

So finally crossing this soggy bog, I am now free to find my home in the country.

Waiting there for me is my family.

The days pass and finally I reach my home. As I approach the house, I feel this energy field that is different that anything I've ever experienced before.

The background glows bright and the air is thick with a mist. The house glows as well and almost seems to be floating. This gives me a very ethereal feeling.

I find myself standing outside and unable to enter. Almost as if I'm standing at the window between this world and the other. She stands at the window and waits for me to approach. The space between us is as intangible as air yet so real that I can almost reach over that threshold and hold her hand. But this I will never do.

We talk for a while and she completes the conversation by saying "You must go! This time and space is no longer your home. It can no longer be yours. Return to your new home."

I feel a warm, internal heat filling my body and my feet no longer touch the ground. She smiles at me and I feel a sense of joy and peace flowing from her. Her peace fills my soul and I realize that she is right. I am no longer of that time and space.

"Valhalla... I am coming."

---

This dream comes full circle. In the First Part I do not accept the fact that I am at Valhalla. In the second part, I try to escape the inevitable outcome and run thru the clearing back across the River Styx crossing over the valley.

Now in the third part, I find her. She enlightens me of where I am and that I have crossed an ethereal plane thru which I cannot return. Her peace shows me that it is OK to return to my place as one of the chosen ones at Valhalla.

How does this relate to my present day reality? First I love mythology & Led Zeppelin therefore that symbolism. Well I have been living in the past. I have been mourning for over 8 years and that has kept me from continuing on my path. Now it is time to complete that. I have allowed the loss of my mother, my father-in-law, my mother-in-law, Pedro, Jennifer, Baby Grace and several others to eat away at who I am. I have allowed parts of me to die with them. I have lost vitality, passion for life and have dwelled in sadness for too long. Lamenting the past will not let me move forward.

Today the light at the clearing is filling me with peace. Today I am committed to living a life that is full of Passion, Love and most of all Joyfulness. This is what I choose to live this day forward.

Mystic Journey

Last night I had a very interesting dream. The dream was very vivid, almost lucid and most definitely sequential. A lot like my Bella Mercedes dream, this is definitely an Epic-type Dream. The dream was spread out thru several different moments from which I felt like I woke up several times during the night. As I fell asleep again, the dream would just pickup where I left off last. Also the dream was accompanied by several songs.

The dream started with me riding my horse thru the Nordic countryside. I see myself as a lone horseman from Scandinavian folklore in a hurry to complete my journey from the end of a battle. Like Led Zeppelin's song says: "Valhalla, I am coming..." (MP3) I felt lost in this forest for what seemed like months. Finally, out of the corner of my eye, I see light coming from a clearing in the distance. I make my way towards the clearing and the imagery, sounds and environment change.

The feeling I got in this part of the dream is a Celtic mysticism. The music running in my head still feels like Led Zeppelin-esque (MP3)

At the edge of the clearing I see a beautifully lush valley. I am no longer on horse back and I find myself walking. I am now wearing soft leather-laced sandals. Walking for what felt like hours, I must complete crossing this valley and I reach the edge of a river. I see myself dipping my feet into the river, stepping on moss covered rocks.

This time instead of running towards something, I find myself running away from something. There is a strong need to cross the river but I must rest for the night. Tomorrow will be another way.

The morning mist is laying very low, kissing the top of the trees. Dew dripping from the tips of soft, large leaves drips onto my forehead and wakes me. Softly the sun rises to light up the day.

Waking to a new dawn, I must complete my journey. Now I find myself to be a Greek soldier. The cold water of the river running between my legs is forceful and I struggle to keep my balance. "I must cross and must reach the other side."

On the other side of the river is a marshy area. Foggy and slippery, this bog I must cross.

On the other side I will find my home. Finally I can rest.

To be continued...

---

This dream is full of imagery, mixed mythologies and dark undertones. It is gigantic in the story it is trying to tell me and so vivid that - awake - I can still see the images. In the first part I am a Nordic warrior on a journey to (what in the song is called) Valhalla. ("In Norse mythology, Valhalla is a majestic, enormous hall located in Asgard, ruled over by the god Odin. Chosen by Odin, those that die in combat travel to Valhalla upon death, led by the Valkyries." - Wikipedia). At the end of battle I return, as a chosen one, to Valhalla. But being "lost in this forest" I feel like I do not belong there.

Therefore in the second part I travel to the end of the dark forest to the light of the "clearing" running away from death to the valley where my home is.

Waiting for the next day "There is a strong need to cross the river but I must rest for the night." So why am I now a Greek soldier waiting for darkness to be over to cross the river? Well in Greek mythology - the transcending from one world to the other is reprensented by the crossing of the River Styx. By crossing back across the river I am trying to escape darkness and am now trying to embrace my previous life.

Now onto the next part... (see next post)

The Trivia of Life Keeps us from Experiencing our Greatness

I love music! but specially I love the lyrics. I love to understand what the lyrics of songs mean - or at least what the lyrics mean to me.

Here is another song that I like:

I look around at other people
I brush their shoulders at the corner of the street
But all they notice is their feet
It wasn't meant this way
Their minds have gone astray

If they could lift their eyes they'd see
There's people smiling just like me and I'll agree
It's not their fault because it's raining
It's all work and no play, it's just another day

Love and beauty
Love and beauty
Should be everybody's duty
To welcome every man as a friend

I wish that I could change the world
For every boy there'd be a girl for him to know
And maybe people would look up
Then they might realise they're not the only ones alive"

-- Love and Beauty by Mike Pinder of the Moody Blues

"I brush their shoulders..." tells me that he wants to connect/interact with them but they are too self absorbed to notice (all they notice is their feet). What he is describing makes me feel like an elevator moment. You know, that moment of awkward silence where nobody wants to even look into each other's eyes. What are we avoiding? what are we afraid of?

"It's not their fault because it's raining. It's all work and no play, it's just another day..." continues by justifying those actions and giving us permission to keep it just that way. But what we do not realize is that this mechanism is what we all use to keep us from experiencing the greatness of other and our own greatness. We keep ourselves in our shells to avoid the other.

The everyday 'trivia' (as Monty Python calls it in Meaning of Life)is our circumstances, our problems, our human condition, our little voice in our head - that keeps us from experiencing who we really are and keeps us from experiencing the other. We keep ourselves in a state of being that is ordinary - never living our dreams.

We live a life of always wishing that "I could change the world" and the only hope we have is to live with the expectation that the other "might realise they're not the only ones alive."

The "mind fake" of it all is that most of us live our lives like those silent moment in the elevator. No one dares to look up because of the overwhelming subconcious fear that runs us. So therefore no one will ever notice. And if no one notices there is no desire to look up.

This loop of doubt and self-imposed isolation is intended by the 'trivia' to keep us from realizing our greatness. Oblivious to the fact that "Love and Beauty" is all that God has intended for us.

Like my favorite movie, the Matrix, suggest: "Take the red pill, Neo, and I'll show you how deep the rabbit role goes..."

Do you live on in ignorance (and potentially bliss) by taking the blue pill - OR - do you lead what Aristotle called 'the examined life' and take the red pill?"
-- Matrix Philosophy

What do you think? Which pill would you choose?

Lessons Learned from Randy

Tribute to Randy Pausch on Google

I, like millions of people have watched Randy Pausch's Last Lecture on YouTube. This lecture is extremely powerful, empowering and has been impactful in my life. I developed a great appreciation for Randy's wisdom and the lessons this Carnegie Mellon professor had for us. This talk is meant to teach life's lessons as his legacy in life.

Now that Randy has past away, how can his legacy live on in me? I am a firm believer in that everything that is put before me, there's a lesson to be learned. So what are my, as Randy puts it, "Lessons learned..." What lessons can I get out of Randy's life experiences, and his passing, to "achieve my dreams and enable the dreams of other."

I thought about that a little bit more and went back to listen to the lecture. This is what I came up with - my list of 10 things I've learned from Randy's lecture (in no particular order):

1. The Brick Walls are there for a Reason: Walls are there to separate those who do not want it bad enough from those with the dedication and commitment to live their lives to the fullest. It is there to allow us to climb over them and get to the other side even when we do not know what is on the other side. Reaching for what you want requires work - so work hard. Scale those walls and show that you have the desire.

Everyday life has a way of putting hurdles in our path. Some may seem insurmountable, but it is in my passion for life that I can overcome them. It is in me to excel and jump over those hurdles.

2. Disney Imagineering - The Nicest "Go to Hell Letters": Anybody can get chewed out and rejected. It is in how you receive & accept the feedback (even just seeing it as feedback). Learning from the rejections & the failures is one of the biggest lessons in life. At the end of the lecture Randy says it is the rare person that can "cherish it and use it" to grow as a person.

3. Wait Long Enough & People Will Surprise & Impress You : Perseverance is the key. Give people the time & the space they need to find their own greatness. Guide them along their paths so they can get themselves to where they want to be. As Randy says, "Find the best in everybody; no matter how long you have to wait for them to show it."

Give up whatever impression you may have of them. Don't make them wrong and allow them to be themselves. You may be surprised!

4. Good Way & Bad Way of Saying 'NO' : It is in the attitude & in the words I use that I can influence/ get people to do what I want from them. It is a way of being that I can create for myself. I can have something worth saying but saying it to empower others (not to disempower them) is where the powers lies.

At the end of the lecture he shares something Andy Van Dam told him. "It's such a shame that people perceive you as so arrogant, because it's going to limit what you are going to be able to accomplish in life." Randy continues with "What a hell of a good way to word - you're being a jerk!" It was in the positive nature of the wording that this became a constructive conversation.

5. The Next Star Wars Film :When Tommy shared his dreams, Randy said "You know they are probably not going to make those next movies..." and Tommy said "No they are!" This shows me that no matter what people say or think, just live your dreams. Don't let people dissuade you from living & achieving them.

6. You Obviously Don't Know Where the Bar Should Be - You're Only Going To Do Them a Disservice by Putting it Anywhere : Dream Big!! Randy was amazed that his students did not stop and "just kept going!!" Do not sell people short by my own limits and perceptions. Encourage people to give their best & they will surely do so. See people bigger then they see themselves and they will live into who you make them out to be. Create an energy where greatness comes from believing one is great!

7. My Favorite Moment in 10 Years is a Brilliant Ad Lib : "He pulls out his ninja sword and says - 'I am dishonored!' and just drops." What I got from this moment is that the best part of life are the moments that are unplanned and are true and honest from the heart.

This is where we get to live our life to the fullest and where I can create a great bond with people. Being authentic, honest & real with myself will allow me to be just that with others.

8. The Yin and the Yang : The left and right side of the brain are essential for the success out of anything I do. The Geek and the Artist in me / the Good & the Bad are both necessary for being complete. One cannot live without sharing with the other.

9. Paint My Bedroom : Let your kids paint their bedroom. Allow them to flourish & encourage them to be self-expressed. His parents may have been reluctant, but they saw the spark in his eye and encouraged him to express his creativity. They allowed him to express himself - even if it was unconventional art.

As an architect, I know the value the environment can cause to spark the creative flame in people. And I also know the value I can create in my son by giving him the space to express his artistic flare.

10. Are You a Tigger or an Eeyore? : Are you going to live your life having FUN or not? You get to choose. Like Randy says, it is not only a choice but its a requirement. "I'm dying and I'm having fun. And I'm going to keep having fun every day I have left. Because there's no other way to play it." There really is no other option. We will all die and at the end of our lives, do we want to be remembered, like Randy, "as a person who had fun" or as a person who never allowed himself to enjoy his life. You choose!

OK, so getting ten powerful tenets from Randy's lecture is incredible and an amazing contribution, on Randy's part! And then I get to the end of his lecture and he throws out "How to get people to help you?" This hit home because it has been a big one in my life. Inspiring & enrolling others to follow me has been challenging. So what is the "lesson learned?"

You Can't Get There Alone : Acknowledge the people in your life. Tell the truth to others & to yourself. Show gratitude & appreciation. Have an intention or purpose in your life to live for and share that with others. Live for others and they will give you your dreams.

Inspire in them their dreams & they will be inspired by your dreams.

Lastly Randy reveals the great "head fake," the lesson we did not know we were meant to learn -

It is not about how to achieve your dreams, but how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way, the Karma will take care of itself.

"The dreams will come to you."

So at the end of Randy's lecture, I realize that in our daily life, we get caught up in the circumstances, the daily challenges and the hurdles we have to jump. Constantly bumping into the proverbial "brick wall" of life and constantly staying stuck inside my head. It is about getting outside of your 'self' & contributing to others. Being with others and giving of yourself to others. This is where life fulfills your dreams.

I have only one choice! I cannot stay wallowing in my junk. I must allow myself to experience life and to have fun while living it. There really is no other way to play it!

Thank you Randy for who you were. Your legacy lives on!

Foolish Old Man - #4 - Monday Morning

(Another portion of my short story...)

"What a beautiful morning!" exclaimes mercy. "Argh!" I reply. "I'm still in bed. Let me sleep!" I yell back as I cover by eyes with the warm toasty blanket. As I'm dozing off, Mercy decides to continue! "What a nice sunny day. Too bad, you're missing out on such a lovely typical Florida morning!" In spite of my plea to let me sleep, she continues. "I forgot to tell you. I need to take Kirk to the doctor's office for a followup. Can you pickup Marc after school today?" "Argh! Let me sleep!" and at that moment I roll over and cover my whole head." I'll call you later! Bye honey - luv ya!"

Finally some peace and quite! I think to myself. Now I can get a few more minutes of sleep. Finally, I close my eyes and doze off again. But in what felt like only minutes, the alarm rings! Beep!Beep!Beep!Beep!

"Shit! I can't believe this. Now I have to get up!

So this is how my Monday morning started this week. I just blow it off, though, and start my week anyway - what else can I do. I grab my coffee mug and get in the car. As I'm driving to the office my cell phone rings. I grab it and am ready to answer the phone when all of a sudden the traffic stops to a grind. I almost dropped the phone and hurry to pick it up and answer it!

"What! Mercy," I answer. "Hi honey. How's your day going?" As I'm ready to yell and let her know how my day is going, I hear some sadness in her voice "what's the matter?" I ask her. "There's a problem with Kirk! The doctor is rushing him to the hospital." At that moment my heart just dropped into my stomach. I didn't know what to say. "You want me to come with you?" I asked. "No, that's ok. Kirk looks fine! I think its only a precaution that the doctor wants to take. He's ok I'lll call you later to update you. Bye"

As she hung up the phone I get the sinking feeling that things are not going to be ok today. See last night I had another one of my vivid dreams. I dreamt that I was standing at the gates of heaven receiving the newcomers. It's a beautiful and euphoric moment full of joy and excitement! The feeling of happiness is like I've never felt before! I am the happiest I've ever been! My goodness, I'm standing at the gates of heaven with St. Peter, and my task is to welcome everyone into heaven. I cannot describe the greatness of the experience and the oneness of heaven. The only word that comes to mind is Nirvana!

I'm there greeting and welcoming people into heaven, when all of a sudden I'm feeling a little distracted. I continue greeting the newcomers and I just become aware that I am waiting on somebody - someone that I know - is expected to arrive.

Every Morning...

Imagine every morning waking up and feeling
"I don't want to live another day without my child in my life."

Feeling that on the side of the highway
is where my child left this world.
Alone and hurt,
you left this life to live anew -
free of pain and sorrow.

But waking up, I see your empty bed
and I am preparing your clothes in
boxes ready to go. I drive to work
and see your memorial on the
side of the road and the tears come.

Every morning I feel the rage and anger for
that careless driver who took
your life from me.

Everyday I feel your absence.

But each morning I awake again
and continue to live this life
because I know I must.
God does have bigger plans for me.

I wake up and continue my life because
I don't want yours to be forgotten.
I need to let the world know that you
are a person of significance.

That you mattered - to me!

I need to remember, I need to live!
To be free and laugh again.
I am the only one that can set me free!
And for that I need to learn to forgive.

Forgive them, forgive you, forgive me.

---

This is another dream/visitation that I experienced fully awake. The feelings I got were feelings I have never felt before, but feel them I did. These words came to me early in the morning. I awoke and sat down with the urge to write. These words are not mine and the feelings expressed are not my feelings. I am sobbing with such pain and sorrow as I write these words. The pain and suffering that these words express is running all my emotions and are mine to feel. I am feeling the pain of a parent who has lost a child - though I have not.

At first I reasoned them to be hollow because I have not lost a child so how can I be writing in first person. I even tried to rewrite them from a stranger's perspective & my computer would not have it. So I accepted what was coming to me. Secondly a thought entered my mind for a moment. I always have these premonitions in dreams - so could this be of a future day in my life?? NO not my son!!!! The emotions became horrifying for a second and the pain and sorrow became mine.

Then I got present to where these words were coming from. These words were meant for someone - I don't know who - to read & not for me to keep them in my scrapbook. So I would like to share them with you. I know that I don't know what it is like to lose a child - so maybe these words are really hollow, but I think I got a stranger's glimpse into what a parent might be going thru.

Visitation #8???

Oh no!! another dream! This time it's my father! I dreamt that my brother & I got the news of his passing and we were hugging each other in sorrow. The dream was so deep and so personal that I woke up crying. I was crying because of the pain & sorrow, but maybe, as I have previously analyzed (visitation #7), this is the first sign of my visitations.

Now don't think that I take the visitations lightly or that I am blindly falling for it. For years I was a skeptic & took them to be dreams with the coincidence of life just happening. But over the years I have learned that there is no such thing as coincidences. So now I keep my analytical process, while accepting that there are things beyond our knowledge. I have to accept the visitations as they come.

Actually my analytical process is continually being refined. The two step process is now five steps. 1: The dream happens. 2: I am aware that it is a dream no matter how real it was - or should I say - I actually remember the whole dream in the morning. This step is important since the only time I remember my dreams is when I write them down. Otherwise they are gone by the time I brush my teeth. 3: The visitation occurs within a few days of the dream. 4: the visitation actually occurs visually or audibly. 5: It is clearly not a dream state. I am awaken by the voices & I see the image or hear the voices after waking up.

So now I apply my analytical process to this current occurrence. The dream of someone dying occurred & step two, I did not forget it in the morning. So I was dreading step no 3. Actually It occupied my mind for the next few day. I called my dad & told him I loved him. He was actually not feeling well. I prayed for him. I did not want to go to sleep for the next few days for the fear that step 3 would occur. I am happy to say that step 3 never occurred.

I have had many of these type of dreams in the past without actually getting a visitation. But this time it was my dad. It scared me! I need to develop an additional check point so that I do not jump into any conclusions.

Visitation #7

I had another visitation! On Sunday I woke up from a dream that someone had passed away. I could not tell who the dream was about, but the feeling was that they were dying. I recounted my dream to my wife & at that moment, I did not think much of it.

But - last night at 2:25am I awoke because I was heard a muffled voice behind me. I also heard some chatter over head - somebody talking to me. I could not make out what the voice was saying. I know I hear that voice, but I was desperately trying to hear what they wanted to say. By now I lost that voice. I got out of bed and walked around the house to see what could be causing it - nothing. I was still distrusting that it could be something other than the physical. As the title states, this is not the first time that I get a visitation. But it still surprises me. I still think that it could be something physical that is causing the noises. So I have to understand the patterns in my visitations. First, I get a dream of somebody dying. When this occurs I have to pay attention to the next dream. Second, a day or two later I get a visitation - it will be the message. So when I am awoken by somebody talking to me I should not take it lightly.

So to continue.. Sure enough - in the moring I woke up and my wife is on the phone & tells me that her best friend called with the news that Dave W. has passed away.

David Goodbye - go in peace.

Peaceful Resignation

(Visitation #6)

Death is only a horizon, and a horizon is only the limit of our sight. Open our eyes to see more clearly..."

-- William Penn

For the past 4-5 days I have been feeling very uneasy. A feeling of giving up & no longer trying - a sense of "peaceful resignation." Don't get me wrong, this is not me talking - at least not my usual self. I don't give up or give in easily. I was thinking of death but not in the way you may be thinking of it! My wife's uncle has been sick for a few days with stomach aches. He is 93 yrs old & I got the sense of peaceful resignation from him. All I could think off was avoiding the daily grind.

A sense of submission & withdrawal is overwhelming me. Work was the only thing that could occupy my mind with other things, but I did not want to be there. My stomach was very uneasy & even upset. I was constantly running to the bathroom today. It hurt not with typical stomach pains but from almost a sense of withdrawal. The feeling was all over me. Every thought & every sound. The music I listened to for the past 4 days has a melancholic tone. I was listening to the Kill Bill Vol. 1 soundtrack. Songs like The Lonely Shepherd (MP3) & Nancy Sinatra' Bang Bang (MP3). These songs have a mellow sound and bring back the past (but not my past). I even had a fascination with Arika Yamaoka's "Room of Angel" (MP3) - This song is from the Silent Hill 4 game & it has some dark undertones & black lyrics - "here's a lullaby to close your eyes - goodbye..." (No - the lyrics are not indicative of the person, just music that I was drawn to).

Even when I did not have the music on, this song occupied my mind.

The theme of resignation occupies my mind over & over again. Wednesday night we found out that my wife's uncle is diagnosed with cancer in the stomach & a blocked intestine and needs to be operated. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach & a sense of emptiness. A spiritual emptiness - like he was no longer there. Tonight we visited him again & I got a peaceful sense from him. He was in little pain & not awake, but I did feel his spirit. He was surrounded with the love of his family.

Tonight while sleeping I dreamt of him. Not his physical self but more his way of being. It was a nice feeling of peace, playfulness, serenity & love. That is who he is. We were two white puffy clouds floating in the sky. We were swirling together, playing and rejoicing life. The play felt like it had been going on for a lifetime, when all of a sudden his cloud pulled away from me and swished away forever.

-Bye-

Suddenly, at that very moment I woke up. It was 4am I awoke out of breath gasping for air. I felt like I was taking my last breath & there was no more air for me to breathe. I felt something leaving my soul & it took my breath with it. It took me a few minutes to get my breath back. My wife was helping me as I tried to explain to her my dream. "Why do you think that was him?" she asked me. I did not get a chance to answer.

It is now 4:30am and as I was trying to catch my breath, the phone rings! As my wife answer the phone, she turns around to look at me. "No way!" I think to myself. With that said. She tells me that it's her cousin. "The hospital called. He has just passed away." was all she said & all she needed to say - as I already knew. My wife gets ready & leaves for the hospital & I stay behind with our son, who is sleeping.

I could not fall back to sleep but am exhausted. This visitation really left me drained! It is now 6:30 am & I am listening to Arika Yamaoka's "Room of Angel" (MP3) song as I type this. I no longer feel pain; that sense of resignation nor a submissive feeling of loss. As my stomach frees itself of anxiety, I begin to feel peace, playfulness & love as it fills my very existence.

It is who he was! Rest in peace, Rojelio

This madness is beyond me...

This night the dream started out with a late evening meeting and an angry client in my office. I don't think he's angry with me, but here is where it ended up. The client is on his cell screaming at his competitor. When he gets off the phone he demands from his associate - 'destroy that guy!'

Within minutes I become aware of what he meant by 'destroy.' The guy not only lost his financial life but took what he had left of his life as well. Next, that client destroys the career of one of his associates in front of me simply because the associate did not react fast enough. Now comes a brutal reality. He kills a competitor - in front of me - with his bare hands. The anger, the brutality, the rage, the savagery of killing with his bare hands is the most extreme human act. What is his problem and why is this happening in front of me!?

This anger and madness is beyond me! I don't understand how this can be over something so trivial as a business deal! The deal had nothing to do with me or my office. He was simply sitting in my office at my desk, on the phone doing HIS business deals. Even then the deal had not even gone bad! It just seemed to come from his uncontrollable rage. But it all happened in front of me - in my office- in my world!

I have become a witness to his rage - to his Savagery - his inhuman dark side. All in my office where humanity and civility is the focus of my architecture - a place where a house is conceived to be the nucleus of the family's home. A place where shelter is created. Shelter from this brutal, uncaring world - A place where brutality and Savagery is not supposed to rear it's ugly head.

Brutal contrast - dark irony - disturbing dichotomy!

How can a nice man - always full of energy and complementary nature, have such a dark side - a second face, kept deep in the shadow. Kept deep down inside of him. - So deep, so repressed, that when it surfaced, it exploded with the destructive force of all the volcanic eruptions that mankind has ever experienced. Even a nuclear explosion pales in comparison - only because all this rage came from a little man!

Now he has a foe in me! An enemy that he will not tolerate in his world. I have been transformed from an innocent bystander in my safe world - into an antagonist forcefully thrusted into his world. He now turns his anger towards me. He hunts me down and strikes at the very heart of my life. He has kidnapped my wife and my son and has devised a plan for our demise. He created and placed us into tall, square, wooden boxes that will ultimately become our final resting place. Our new homes - My family's home for the revered-feared afterlife.

The three of us are helpless - me holding my son in my arms, as if I could come close to protecting him from this evil force. And my wife helpless by my side - looking at me as if to say how can this be happening to us?? We are trapped in these boxes as they begin to shoot at us. Suddenly I feel the sting of the bullets as they penetrate my body and soul. I no longer feel the savagery. I no longer feel anything - except my life draining out of my body. The three of us seen to drift away - together - to another existence. An existence beyond these bodies - a place far, far away from this madness we call the human race. We drifted away to the true home that God has created for us - a shelter away from this physical existence - to a serene, peaceful existence as a spiritual part of God.

Deja Vu

Here is another Deja Vu dream. About a month ago I had a dream that I was standing in this front yard under a very large tree. This tree has many long thick branches and the root system was on the surface. The root system is very extensive and intercrossing across the floor. I see myself walking over the large roots to reach a hammock that is spanning several large branches.

At the time this dream had no meaning or significance, since I did not know where it was. I have never seen this place before or since - until just the other day! My sister and her husband bought a new house. I was helping them move in - this was my first time seen the house. After we were done we sat down in the yard to eat lunch and - poof there was the hammock hanging from the very same tree I had seen in my dream weeks before.

Very strange!

Alien Invasion

There are several dream types that keep recurring. One of them is the alien invasion dream. It always starts off the same way - a still dark night (no moon) the stars are bright in the sky, when all of a sudden the truth is revealed the stars are not what they seem to be.

Again, the sky is dark and things become very still. Almost eerie! I look up to see some very bright stars flickering. Then I notice that they are moving. Not like stars, but like something else. The air get cool - a cold chill runs thru my bones. At this moment all the stars start moving and flying around. They seem to be dropping towards the earth. The sky is now littered with thousand of alien ships. All start attacking and mayhem is everywhere. Fighters, transport ships and smaller more nimble attack ships. Laser beams criss cross the sky and a full fledge air battle ensues.

On the ground our troops are racing across the field, but to no avail - tanks, personnel carriers, even ground-to-air missile launchers are all blasted into oblivion. In the sky our fighter planes are destined for more of the same. They are being blasted out of the sky! Fighter pilot parachuting out of their planes are being picked off like those helpless plastic duck lined up at the Coney island shooting gallery. Poor guys, everybody is dying -falling like flies. Life terminated even before they hit the ground.

The sky is blood red - splattered with our hopes of being saved. What a massacre!

---

For Jung the UFO symbology has to do with the ending of a period in history and the start of a new one. The 'metamorphosis of the gods.' Even according to the 2012 theorists we are at the end of the Mayan calendar & start of a new age. What life-changing transitions are occurring in my life??

More Visitors

After Valmi's Visit, I have had several more Visitation-type realities. I don't label them dreams because they are so real - so vivid that I swear that they are real. So vivid & surreal that I need to write them down even though they occurred a while back.

A few years ago, my sister-in-law's mother passed away. She also came by to say good bye. I was sleeping so therefore I think I need to label it a dream, but It was so vivid that to this day I swear that I was really awake.

Another occurrence was back in January, my mother-in-law-passed away. She was a wonderful caring person and a beautiful soul. This time it was midday - her presence was made clear to me when a quick gust passed in front of me. It had a scent of violets (Her name was Violeta). The strange part was that I was indoors in my house and there was no possible source for a gust to pass so quickly since all the doors were closed.

Cosa Nostra (redux)

Another dream with the Sopranos. This time I was a member of their group. We were scamming somebody at a major sporting arena. We were all getting ready in our hotel room and have started regrouping in the lobby. We make our way to the arena and are now waiting in line to enter the complex. It is very noisy and hectic with everybody anxiously waiting to get in. The elevator gives me the feeling of another dream where the elevator rose indefinately and went in many different directions. We are rising to the top level (the V.I.P.) section, but when we get off it feels odd. At this point I remember that I left my tools at the hotel room & tell the guys that I will return shortly.

Back at the hotel room I get my tools and get this wierd sensation that somebody is watching me. As I return to the V.I.P. room, I keeping looking over my shoulder - stange feeling. Everybody is there including the guy we were going to scam & ultimately kill. The scam is going down & they give me the signal to kill him, when there's a pounding at the door. The door slams to the floor and we are flooded with SWAT and secret service agents.

The guys are all looking to each other as if asking - who snitched?? when all of a sudden this cocky officer turns to me and says "thanks for the tip!" Tony gives me this look, as if to say - "I am going to kill you!"

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Strange feeling - I just realized that by returning to the hotel room I had alerted the agents and ultimately lead them back to the V.I.P. room. Again I was the culprit of Tony's demize.

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Hi, my name is - what, my name is - who??

Original Date : August 12, 1997)

Usually I cannot recall any of my dreams, except last night I remembered one.

I dreamt that I was confined to a wheelchair and I remember the feeling of helplessness. It was the most pitiful situation, but I do remember being too self-consumed with my situation. All I think about and all I talk about is my pain and my anger for being in this chair. I am soooo wrapped in self-pity that I could not focus of the face of the woman who was doing everything for me. She was helping me around and felt to be very familiar, but I could not make out a face because of my inability to see beyond my problems. She was very warm, helpful, and most of all I got the feeling that she cared more about helping me than her own needs. Lots like Mercy, but I could not feel her presence. I took her for granted and never cared how she was doing - and all she would do or say were words of support and concern for me. Such a selfless person in sharp contrast to a self-involved me.

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Ok, now how do I interprete this one! My son is due to be born in 2 months; my job is doing ok, but I cannot wait till I get out of work to get on with my life; I want this I want that... where's my wife?? I guess I should see how she is doing, bye.

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Challenges to Conquer

(Original Date: July 5, 1997)

This blog seems to be sporadic. I’m not sure why my entries are spread out. I do have many dreams that are perfect candidates for this blog, but I don’t seem to write them down. Most of the time I tend to forget the dreams as soon as I wake up. By the time I’m brushing my teeth, I can’t recall what I dreamt. Charlie says that my dreams are messages for my reality. He said that I am afraid to know what is being told to me. I guess I am afraid, but of what? I have always wanted to know what is beyond us or who is out there. And I can’t see why I would be afraid of it now. Maybe I want to know who is sending me these messages & what am I supposed to be doing with them. I sometimes feel that I should not be keeping them to myself, but I’m afraid to show them to anyone.

Maybe that's the challenge to be conquered. It is commonly known that dreams are a message from your subconcious. What are the messages I am getting thru my dreams?

Could it be that I should take a chance that not everyone will understand what I’m thinking or feeling. It’s ok if they do not understand or care. The only thing that matters is if I care enough to express my dreams/feelings therefore the purpose of this blog.

Rejoice for a brand new life is granted you.

(Original Date :June 5, 1997)

Rejoice for you are granted this beautiful gift from God.
Protect this baby with all your will and
love him with all your heart
for God has entrusted you with the greatest gift he can give…
The gift of life.

A brand new life, a brand new soul
A brand new gift to make us whole.

A gift to cherish, a gift to protect
from all the evil and injustice on this earth.

God has loaned you a new life and it is up to you to ensure
that this beautiful new baby is well prepared for his journey
in life, a journey to fulfill God’s plan.

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I had this dream several months before my son was born.

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Knightly Challange

(Original date: May 29,1997)
What is this you ask?
Ask not for knowing will only torment you.

Torment! Ha!
Torment is an old acquaintance
as familiar as a playground bully
from my childhood days...
or as classic as a rejection
from a high school sweetheart.

So do not threaten with such impotent words
Words will not suffice in this battlefield.

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This dream came just like my medieval dreams seem to. I am a young peasant boy with trashy clothes and a ‘mop top’ hair do. I have black hair and its dirty – almost shiny & greasy. This time I find myself transformed into a knight on a black horse in the mist of battle. The words are my challenge - too whom, I do not know...

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Superman can't help us!

(original date: ??,1997)
Superman can’t help us
He’s in a wheelchair now.
It’s not his fault,
we should have learned
To take care of ourselves.

Where are our superheroes?
Now, when we need them the most.

Superman can’t help us
Who can save us now

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Part of the feeling that I got with this dream (when Christopher Reeves had his accident) was that ‘Superman’ couldn’t help us now. I took this to mean that society's inability to be responsible for its actions has left us defenseless. By relying on mythical imagery (tv stars, tv characters) to solve our societal turmoil, we have lost our self-reliance. Life does imitate art! Our needs are satisfied (more like - put off) by what we see in the movies. We make heroes of movie stars and professional athletes rather than looking within. Social leaders and members of our community are larger than life and can be a better role model & ‘superior’ mentors.

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I'm not a dummy!!

(original written: May 12,1997)
Why would God punish me this way??
This is such a harsh punishment for someone so young!

All I wanted was to be like the other kids. I just wanted to be an average kid. I wanted to lead a simple, mundane life - nothing special! I wanted to go to high school, go to the prom and move on with the rest of my life! I didn’t want to be treated differently and I don’t want all the kids staring at me!

Some people say that in between lives we choose what life to enter into next. We choose a life that will challenge us and allow us to fulfill goals so that our soul can progress to the next level. I wonder if that is what normally happens between lives. I wonder why I chose to enter this one?

On my quest for an everage life, I asked my parents to enroll me into a softball league. They were afraid, but conquered their fears and did it. I’m beginning to regret it! They are so harsh! They want me to do well. They want it more than I do.They push so hard - I sometimes wonder what they did to deserve this. Who did they make mad in a past life, to have to endure this life with me as their son? What did I do to make my parents mad?

I think I know what it was - but it was an accident! I didn’t mean to drop the ball. The coach puts me in right field. He wants me to do well, but doesn’t want to see me fail - so he gives me an easy position. All the kids say, “that’s a good spot for the dummy. Keep him out there!”

I’m no DUMMY!

But one day my chance came! The ball was coming right towards me. I tell myself “this is your chance. Show them what you can do! Show them how normal you really are.” I guess I was trying too hard. I was concentrating so hard on showing them… I showed them all right.

The soft, white ball was rolling just right! The threads were swirling and swirling in a slow motion dance. It was so sweet - spinning with the grace of a ballerina, and coming right towards me. The ball was high in the air and had a technologically precise trajectory, like a Patriot missile ready to hit its mark...

It seemed to approach me at a snail’s pace, though. So nice and slow, so peaceful that my mind wondered off into something else. I wondered off for what seemed like hours. I started to daydream. I never realized how beautiful the blue sky really is; nor how billowy the clouds seemed to be; nor how they swell up and turn dark right before a thunderstorm. I never realized how beautiful my mother’s blue eyes really are - or how swollen her sorrow seems to be when she cries. I wondered what makes her cry. I started to wonder why so many beautiful babies were being dumped in the trash like wilted lettuce. Or why mothers would abort a fetus just because he will be born with Down Syndrome. That does not sit right with me. There is no excuse for our inhumanity…

And that’s when it hit me. It hurt so bad!! That ball hit me dead on, like a sniper’s bullet - right between the eyes. All that planning and all that peacefulness was shattered like a tempered piece of glass. Little bits and pieces of my life all exposed, just laying on the floor - next to that soft, white ball I was supposed to catch. Forget the crowd screaming! Forget my teammates calling out to me to "pick it up!"

It is perfectly clear now. Forget it all - it no longer seemed to matter! I AM a no-good DUMMY!!! I don’t deserve to be here!

I am no longer 'here.' It all seems dark and cold and I’m very hungry. Where did everybody go!? This place seems so isolated and bleak. I don't like being trapped in here - but I quess I deserve it. I deserve to be trapped here in my own world.

I miss my friends. I wish I could be out there playing with them. They are not so mean to me anymore – now that they know me better. We were going to play baseball today. We were going to make believe that we were major league ball players, like Babe Ruth or Mickey Mantle, but I guess I deserve this punishment. I did embarrass them. I should have caught that ball.

My best friend said it was an easy fly ball, and that I should have caught it - but he comforts me by saying that I will do it next time. I miss being comforted by him. He knows just what to say to make me feel better.

I wish my parents did. They don’t talk much anymore.

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This dream seems to have had a great impact on me. My wife tells me that I was crying in the middle of the night. Sobbing so hard & with such fear that she was afraid I was experiencing a horrible nightmare. But it did not feel like a nightmare. It did hurt me a lot and I do have strong feelings for what was happening in my dreams. It felt almost like a pastlife experience.

It seemed very real and almost as if I was really living through this – living the life of a blond Down-Syndrome boy about 12-14 yrs old. Sorta stodgy and very energetic. His life was so full of sunny days and billowy clouds, but off the horizon there was this one dark cloud he did not understand.

His realization that he was retarded hit him like a bullet. He was not aware why he was different until that moment. And the pain of that realization is what drove him into his darkness.

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Traffic Jam

This dream starts with me trying to get from Ft. Lauderdale to W.Palm Beach. I have Marcelo with me and I feel a strong sense of urgency to complete the trip. We start off in a truck driving up I-95. The voyage seems to be fraught with problems.

The truck starts to breakdown & I get runned off I-95 into a ghetto kind of neighborhood. I get back on the highway & then the truck turns into a car as we speed up I-95. The car gets a flat & I need to get off the highway to get gas as well. At the rest stop I go into the gas station & everything seems out of place. It looks very Russian. The lady behind the counter looks like a rustic Eastern-European ‘Helga’ stereotypical character. I walk up to the refrigerator & pull out a Pepsi. I can only tell it’s a Pepsi from the logo because the words are in Slavic on one side & Arabic on the other side of the bottle. I pay for my drink & get back into the car.

We start driving up I-95 again and feel like we have been driving for hours literally fighting the traffic. The traffic is very tough & I am fighting my way thru traffic. Then all of a sudden the car turns into a tricycle. I am pedaling as fast as I can & am keeping up with the cars, but feel as I am not getting anywhere. At this point I’m feeling helpless & the goal seems far out of my reach.

I decide to call Mercy to pick us up. She arrives and meets us back at the same rest stop. Again I go inside. The people inside are staring at me. Things feel strange. I step outside & I see Mercy carrying Marcelo on her arms. She is passing him along to a man, whom I’ve never seen before. He puts Marcelo into a white Chevy Monte Carlo. I get very anxious & run to get Marcelo out of the car. I push the man out of the way & I get Marcelo out. I am horrified to see that Marcelo has been dead & shrink wrapped into an air tight bag. I scream at the horror & try to get him out.

It is very strange to see a body dehydrated. I carry him inside the store crying and screaming for help. The people in the line ignore my pleas for help. I call to the lady at the counter to call 911 and she ignores me. The last lady in line calls out to her down syndrome older child. She tells him not to look at us. "It's not polite to stare."

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What a horrible feeling of helplessness! I wake up from my dream crying & feeling that there is nothing I can do to improve my situation.

Dreams are supposed to be a subconscious reflection of your daily life. So with this in mind & I will try to analyze the dream. The sense of urgency & not being able to reach a destination might be due to a feeling of frustration with my career. The feeling of helplessness & hopelessness might be an indication of what I have been feeling lately. I have two houses to design & I have no desire to do so. I do not have any inspiration or desire to design them. Now to psycho-analyze myself, I guess that my indecision & inactivity is, in my dream, affecting my relationship with my family & I am feeling, sub-consciously, that if I do not fulfill my goal I will not be able to care for nor provide for my family.

The vehicles that I am using are not getting me where I want to be. Each one gets progressively smaller and slower. This maybe that I am depending on them to do for me what I need to do myself. I even try o get Mercy to “do it” for me. The part where Mercy passes Marcelo off to the stranger feels like Mercy is working against me. In the dream she is not contributing to accomplishing my goals. Marcelo is dehydrated because I have failed to provide for him.

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Where's My Stuff?

Last night was a major dream night. Like normal, I had several dreams one after the other.

1st one was that robbers devastated our home. Everything we owned was gone. In my dream I woke up in the middle of the night, went downstairs to find that everything was gone. Our personal belongings, and my computers. I can’t believe that everything is gone! My life, my work, my home – what an empty feeling.

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The strange thing about this dream is that I really value my family more than my belongings, yet in the dream Mercy & Marcelo were still asleep. They were Ok - and possibly not a concern, because in my dream that was not even a thought in my mind.

This dream comes after another dream I had a few days ago.

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I was frozen by fear. I hear somebody jiggling the door of our bedroom balcony. I wake up and see their shadows but I can’t get up! I am frozen in my bed full of fear & hatred. Then I notice that I am talking to myself (Me asleep talking to me in the dream). I am telling myself to “get up, move – you need to stop them before they get in and hurt your family” just then I wake up, look at the door and realize that there was nobody there. I went downstairs & everything was fine. It was just a dream.

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The scary part is that I can’t tell the difference between my dreams & reality. Only after analyzing them can I discern the real from my dreams. I woke up, got our of bed and went downstairs to confirm that everything was alright.

This seems to be a reoccurring dream. Always feel that somebody is trying to break into my home or that someone is watching me while I sleep. Several times I awake to the sound of metal crashing or glass breaking. But nothing - nowhere. I’ve talked with several neighbors & they did not hear anything overnight. I must be dreaming this and being awoken by my dream.

The Dream Doctor calls this type of dream "Night Terror" dreams caused by total darkness in the room & a subconsious fear of the dark.

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La Cosa Nostra

The 2nd dream tonight hit me hard. This night had to do with the Sopranos, but with no less a realistic feeling. I feel all the same feelings and even can’t tell what is real or a dream until I get up and touch my real environment. Weird huh!??

I met up with Tony Soprano. One day, while driving with my family in the car, we get scraped by a taxi. The driver just runs off not even concerned what he has done. I get so mad & I mention this to Tony. He says I have to do something about it & he gets me worked up so bad, that I track down the taxi driver. I want to get back at this guy, but only think of small, childish ways. I see him taking groceries out of his trunk. I tell Tony that I am going to steal his groceries so that it affects him - but in a minor way ONLY. As I find out later, Tony has different ideas - more adventurous, more deadly.

I track the taxi driver down & follow him. Tony tells me to act at first opportunity. I get a chance at the next stoplight, but I hesitate & do not act, waiting for another opportunity. Tony follows behind me in a black Suburban (just like on the show) & I get the impression he is mad that I did not act. Next the cab stops at a gated warehouse. Tony wants me to act then & there, but I say no “there are many security guards around” & shrug it off. I back off & run off to the church across the street. I guess I must have had my family with me because we all walk in together. We sit down & soon I realize that this is actually a town meeting discussion - of all things - Tony Soprano and what to do about him. I then realize that Tony & Silvio had followed me into the church and are sitting 6 rows behind me to the right. He is steaming now – for I had dragged him into his own “condemnation.”

He gets madder then hell when somebody on stage stands up and shouts that Tony is a “sleazy Mobster & that he needs to be made to disappear” Tony gets up and shouts back. Silvio, taking this as a hint, jumps to his feet & shoots the guy on stage – shoots him dead! Then Silvio turns to the chorus & shoots at the gray-headed balding guy, while screaming - “bye bye Senator.” Silvio shuts him dead between the eyes!! Then he turns and shoots the guy standing next to me. Everybody is frozen in fear and a few seconds seen to be hours of slow motion movie track. All of a sudden the movie track speed up, like “The Matrix.” Slow motion is now fast track & everybody is running for their lives. I don’t see my family – where are they!!

I get dragged outside by the rushing crowd. As I get near the doors of the church, somebody pulls me out of the crowd - a bodiless set of arms. Again the Matrix slow motion kicks in & I realize that the doors are a pair of huge medieval heavy wooden doors, with chunky metal strap & big black metal rivets that bolt the door together. Now Matrix fast track hits & I am then pulled to the side of the foyer, to a dark corner where I get surrounded by Tony’s guys. “Tony wants to see you” they tell me & a mean looking thug in a tight black tee shirt & mustache strikes me in the chest.

I am now fast-tracked outside, near the Guarded warehouse. Tony tells me that I am part of the “family” now & that I better not let him down. I feel an empty feeling – how can I get involved with such a crowd; how can I do this to my family. He motions me with his eyes towards the warehouse & Silvio nudges me into action. All this is in a non-spoken language, but I clearly understand what they want me to do & what will happen if I don’t.

I guess it’s a culmination of my stereotypical ideas of mobsters, but it is now happening to me. All this time I am wondering where my family could be. I get nudged into the moment again & I find myself at the gates to this warehouse.

We rush the gate, while out of the corner of my eye I see Silvio greasing the gate guard. Again in Matrix-like slow motion I see five hundred dollar bills get handed to the guard one-by-one each slowly being placed on the hand of this black man. One hundred; two hundred; three hundred; four hundred; five…. Then a Matrix-like rush sweeps by and fast track action kicks in. We are now stabbing the taxi driver that cut me off & the guys (notice my familiarity with these thugs – I am in an ethereal state where I am no longer in control of myself & I associate myself with them. I am no longer the schmuck dragged into this, but I am a willing participant – I am one of them!!) are taking bag after bag out of his trunk. Only I realize that these bags were not groceries but tons of cash! The taxi driver, for some reason I now know this, is a runner for a rival gang & Tony used me to start the attack!

I seem to rebel against this & they start attacking me. Matrix-like I feel a beating going on around me & to me, but feel nothing. I see a guy punch me in the face. I see the Rocky Balboa scene where he is struck in the face & spins in slow-mo. Spit and blood flies from my mouth into the air at an extremely slow pace, but no feelings whatsoever. I hit the floor, my cheek slapping the pavement & slow bouncing away to again slap the pavement as if bouncing. While laying there I look up. I look to the right & finally see Mercy. I look to the left & there is Marcelito sitting on the floor, behind a picnic table, arms stretch - waiting for me- I need to hug him! Matrix like I kick all these thugs. Knock them out & I am twisting & turning in the air (again in a Matrix-like slow-mo) flying towards Marcelo. I pick him up & hug him, for I feel this maybe the last time. I now run with Marcelo to hug Mercy who is locked behind gates.

She is there alone surrounded by a hazy fog & only darkness behind her. These gates surround a swale with benches around the perimeter. I am standing at the gate when one of Tony’s guys unlocks it & lets me in. “Tony is waiting” he says.

I now find myself sitting in the ring of benches surrounded by a lot of people from the town meeting. I notice the morning dew accumulated on the blades of grass that surrounds us. All I can see is a spooky, ominous fog. This mist is very thick & humid. My chest is very tight & I am finding it hard to breath. Mercy is about 20 people to the right of me in another bench. She is crying for fear of her life & I feel it – I feel her pain. It was my fault she & Marcelo are here & it is my fault we are going to die! All of a sudden, shots ring out and one-by-one all the people around us are shot. Next I see (Matrix-like) a shot whirling towards us. With its smoke trail behind it, the bullet approaches me almost as a 1,2,3… get ready feeling. I am frozen in fear and it hits me in the head. The next one hits Marcelo in the chest (I am now overwhelmed with sorrow, anger, fear, RAGE & a father’s PAIN!!) Marcelo dies in my arms! His lifeless body, still sitting on my lap. Suddenly, somebody pulls me off the seat & I run towards Mercy. I no longer see anybody else around us. But I do see more shots coming at us. Mercy is hit in the arm, the legs, her chest, right shoulder and finally in the head! Her life-less body falls to the ground. OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!!

I get hit again and fall on top of Mercy. HELP US LORD! For I feel Mercy starting to drift. I feel my body collapsing. My eyes – I can’t keep them open. They are closing & I can’t stop it. I now feel that I am regressing into myself – like the witch that Dorothy poured some water on- I feel like my soul is withdrawing within me. I am melting. NO THIS CANNOT BE! I feel death at by back & cannot shake it. Darker & darker is my life and further away is my existence.

They say that the body wakes you out of your sleep, right before you die - as a self-preservation mechanism. But I am still dreaming!! Mercy & Marcelo cannot be dead - this is a dream right!?? It has to be! GOD TELL ME IT IS. I need to help Mercy. I need to do something! My body is lifeless and there is so much darkness. I now float like a spirit as the only way to be able to move. I drift towards her face & tell Mercy that I love her & I will be there with her. She responds likewise, but in a faint voice. She is floating away!!! OH LORD I feel her spirit leaving her body & I feel her body go lifeless next to mine & I feel the cold waters of the river of death flowing between us. GOD HELP ME! Bye Mercy, Bye.

She drifts off towards heaven she is no longer with me! I look up and all I see is the black sky – its darkness only broken by the gray glowing spirits of all the people who are no longer here. They are drifting towards heaven looking down at me. It is my fault all this is happening.

Suddenly I get this warm sensation all over my body. I am not dead! I feel 20, 30, 40 bullets strike my legs, my back, my shoulders. But strangely enough, I feel no pain. GOD I feel them hitting me. What is going on! All of a sudden across the room I get this feeling – I feel a good white spirit calling for me. It is Marcelito’s spirit. Again this reoccurring Matrix-like shift drags me at light speed towards where his spirit is sitting. He is still here!! Thank you Lord! I get this warm feeling that the Lord has spared him from this horrible, senseless massacre. Along side of the bullets hitting my body & the kicks cracking my ribs, I start to feel a cold draft of rage & anger. I feel I need to do something about this. I need to get revenge against Tony!!

My mind starts to drift & I see myself, in the future, at this conference. I am on stage (I feel Marcelo next to me but I can’t see him) talking about mob crimes & activities.

I now hear a beeping of machines around me & I hear this echo of people talking. “Doctor, we are loosing him!” I call out to the doctor, BUT HE DOESN’T HEAR ME!! I am asking them “where is my son!??” but they do not hear me. I struggle to see what is going on but cannot open my eyes. What a horrible feeling of rage, loneliness and sorrow!

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Anger and rage are my main feelings. Also I feel that this is real & that I have lost my family! I woke up, got out of bed and touched Mercy. Yes, she is warm & next to me. I went and felt Marcelo & was ecstatic that he was there. Even at this moment (hrs after waking up in the AM) I feel that pain and anger. I just talked to Mercy on the phone & Marcelo just nudged me, so I know they are alive and well, but cannot shake this feeling of doom & gloom. I feel that at any moment now he will be after me again. HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS

Lets start figuring this out. Looking back it looks as if Tony had set me up.

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Thank You Lord!

(Original Date: Oct 8, 1997)
Thank you Lord for allowing us to
Experience the true meaning of life.

By bringing forth our first born, you have sent
An angel from heaven to usher in happiness
A newborn life is truly a gift from heaven

We praise you Lord for this momentary glimpse
Of heaven on earth, for he is truly an angel
Heaven-sent to guide us in our journey through life.

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This dream was a vivid glimpse at the birth of my son (actually my son is not born yet). In this dream I see a child birth & am rejoicing at the miricle that it is

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Where to now!?

It has been a very, very long time since I did any entries to this journal, but my life has not been eventless, just not interested it this journal for some reason. I have many dreams that are full of stories to tell me and many more that are starting to worry me. All seem to be about past lives. They feel so real. As if my spirit left my body to return to another life. Again I have not written down any of them. Why?? I do not know. Fear or just disgusted with my dreams.

Looking back at the ones that I did write does offer some insight to what my soul is trying to tell me. I feel that I am fearful of something and that this something is holding me back. Holding me back from what & why?? I always seem to be struggling with something. I now feel that the struggle is within myself and with myself. I do not know why I feel this way, but I do. Maybe because it is I who has the problem & it is I who is holding back. And it is I who has the solution.

Or is that the problem. Over analyzing matters and feeling that only I can do something about it. Again it seems to be an issue of control. Feeling that I am everything & opening up to others & asking for their help is out of the question.

Bella Mercedes

I start this dream as a young boy in love with this beautiful black haired, Latin girl. She is wearing a beautiful, flowing dress, indicative of her free spirit soul. We must be 10-12 years old. I am wearing black pants bunched up around the shins (puffy-like) & a striped shirt with suspenders. I feel a hat on my head, kind of leaning forward, towards the right & a belt surrounding my waist. She is telling me that she can no longer see me for she is moving away.

Her parents are separating us & there is nothing that I can say or do about it. I go to her house to say goodbye & her mom turns me away. The morning she is due to leave town, I go to her house. Her dad turned me away with such anger! What did I do?? I am forced to see her afar. I stand at the foot of the slope looking up that tall weathered stone wall. We used to climb and play on that wall as naive children. Life was full of joy & peace back then. The same wall that was the center of our joy together now drips with moss and is water stained - leaving long, sad track, like the tears running down my face.

Towards the right I see her standing there in front of her house. She sees me - waves to me and then is slapped, so as to stop her from waving to me. That moment my life is shattered as her mother drags her away and loads her in the back of a big black shiny sedan. I feel that the times are 1930's & I see everything in black & white. I see myself, and all this, as a spectator in a movie theater now. The camera pulls the scene back. It zooms out behind me and shows me in the foreground looking up the slope towards her. As I walk up the street past our slope, the camera follows me to the left, the car she is in, drives off to the right and away she goes out of sight, out of the scene - and - out of my life.

As I walk up the hill I start crying and getting older. Half way up the hill I am a young man, about 18 now. I focus on the rough, broken stone wall of the building to my right, that accompanies me on my journey up the hill. My life progresses and I continue on the same path. When I reach the cobblestone intersection at the top of the hill, I turn right. I now feel as if I am about 25-28 years old. Time has past so quickly & what have I accomplished? My friends come running towards me from the left and spin me around towards the right. They spin me as if to lift my spirits and tell me to get over her. "How can I, she still fills my heart" I said. They tell me that it's hopeless and that she no longer lives in this village. As we spin more I hear a faint voice call out my name & shout out "she is closer than you think." I begin to wonder where can she be. As I spin to the right the camera zooms back and then freezes in place. We spin out of the picture towards the right.

The camera still in its frozen state starts slowly to zoom in to the beauty shop across the street. The shot flies in thru the window and the darkness of black & white turns to a vivid/vibrant rainbow of colors; across the person sitting in the front chair; Over the beautician, who is taking care of this beautiful young girl in the next chair. The camera stops behind this girl's head & focuses on the mirror in front of her. First the image is blurry, and it's difficult to make out a face - but then the camera starts to focus on the reflection in the mirror and - it's her! Bella Mercedes! with her fine curls & her manicured hands! She is so close... yet so - so far from me, from my heart, from my soul.

We seem to continue living a life of missed opportunities. Getting older & always swirling away from one another. Always like the shape of a ying-yang. Me going & her coming. The two never meeting, but like the ying-yang, swirling together to be what we have become.

The next scene finds me a bitter old man. Walking back on the same street. Walking to the left of the scene, all alone with shabby torn, worn-out clothes. I walk with a cane holding up my very existence. I am slumped over and feel weak as if life had beaten me to my last glimmer of hope. Again life presents an opportunity & I do not see the forest for the trees. Overwhelmed in self-pity and sorrow, I miss her coming by in her glowing horse-driven carriage going on with her life. She rides off to the right as I walk, drained and overwhelmed with self-doubt, off the scene to the left. As her carriage, and my life, passes me by I hear a siren song softly playing in the background. It is the song of Bella Mercedes & it talks of joyful days long gone, hoping for yesterday to return - while letting tomorrow slip thru my fingers. It is the song of my sorrows for the Bella Mercedes of my youth.

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Each and every time that a chance encounter was lost I would hear this beautiful song in the background. The song is in Spanish & it's about Mercedes the black-haired girl of my past (but also the name of my wife - Mercy). I do not remember her face, but get a feeling that it is Mercy. Lamenting how I have lost her, the song offers hope that we will one day see each other again. The odd thing about this dream is that even thought I woke up several times during the night, the dream had its continuation. Almost as if the pause button was pressed every time I woke up & the play button was pressed when I fell asleep.

Strangely enough it played out like a movie or should I say a lucid dream where I am aware that I am dreaming and can put on hold whenever I feel a need to.

It is strange! In my waking life I do not feel that I am lamenting something lost. But in this dream everything is full of sorrow and self-lamenting. In this dream life, I seem to have let life go by. I see all the different stages of my life wasted in self-pity and full of lost opportunities.

But the most informative part is the 'story playing out like a movie'. Whenever I could not handle my sorrow the action became a scene in a movie. I walked away from it.

Carpe Diam my friends!

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