Shine On You Crazy Diamond

The common eye sees only the outside of things, and judges by that, but the 'all seeing eye' pierces through, and reads the heart and the soul, finding there capacities which the outside didn't indicate or promise, and which the other kind couldn't detect.
--Mark Twain

Today I got really bad news. SM, a friend & mentor passed away! He is a powerhouse & an inspiration for me and many other people with whom he had contact. I could not accept this news so I called a friend we had in common and I asked her... "Tell me it isn't so!"

She replied "I can't do that - it is so..."

This news hit me extremely hard & I broke down and cried. I don't know why it hit me so hard. Maybe because I just saw him last night. Or maybe because it confirmed what I knew last night. I knew he was leaving.

You've heard of the expression "The eyes are the windows of the soul.." Well last night, SM's soul was exiting out thru his windows! His soul would no longer be contained within the smallness of his human package and the light could not be contained. A bright light started emanating from his collar, his eyes and from the top of his head. I knew last night, in the middle of the event, that SM's soul was departing but i did not want to acknowledge it.

SM shined last night, both literally & figuratively. See he managed the production of the event and was in charge of anything that happened with the facility and equipment. Well both the facility and the equipment acted up and of course SM took care of it. The evening was his and he shined. And I had the great honor to see him shine.

First when the lights started to flicker, SM runs out the door to manage it. I was sitting in the front row & saw his light leaving for the first time. I tried connecting with his eyes but could not see them. The light was more like a dim glow & some glare on his glasses. The building lights flickered, then shut off and then a few minutes latter they came on. When SM walked back in, he looked normal so I thought nothing of it.

Then the lights decided to alternate - one row on & nothing else, then another section & nothing else. Again SM left the room & again I tried to connect with his eyes. The glare was much stronger and looked like it was spilling around the rim. When he came back in, he looked normal again.

The third event was the building's fire alarm going off. this time it was a strong and beautiful light. I could see the light emanating from his eyes and reflected off his glasses. It was so consistent that it blocked me from seeing his eyes. All I could see is a shine around his eyes, a reflected back image on the lens and a halo around his head. Wow!

Finally, at the end of the evening SM & his crew were called to the front to be acknowledged and in that moment, before he stood up, the halo pulled off towards the ceiling. The glow left him. He was now complete as he was being acknowledged. He was free to go and left completely fulfilled.

Within hours his body completed it's purpose and at 10:15pm, SM was no longer on this earth. That evening SM's life was completed in a fatal car accident. He went on to shine on out in the universe...

He was an amazing powerhouse & a beautiful soul shining and giving love to everyone he met. Shine on you crazy diamond...

Mystic Journey

Last night I had a very interesting dream. The dream was very vivid, almost lucid and most definitely sequential. A lot like my Bella Mercedes dream, this is definitely an Epic-type Dream. The dream was spread out thru several different moments from which I felt like I woke up several times during the night. As I fell asleep again, the dream would just pickup where I left off last. Also the dream was accompanied by several songs.

The dream started with me riding my horse thru the Nordic countryside. I see myself as a lone horseman from Scandinavian folklore in a hurry to complete my journey from the end of a battle. Like Led Zeppelin's song says: "Valhalla, I am coming..." (MP3) I felt lost in this forest for what seemed like months. Finally, out of the corner of my eye, I see light coming from a clearing in the distance. I make my way towards the clearing and the imagery, sounds and environment change.

The feeling I got in this part of the dream is a Celtic mysticism. The music running in my head still feels like Led Zeppelin-esque (MP3)

At the edge of the clearing I see a beautifully lush valley. I am no longer on horse back and I find myself walking. I am now wearing soft leather-laced sandals. Walking for what felt like hours, I must complete crossing this valley and I reach the edge of a river. I see myself dipping my feet into the river, stepping on moss covered rocks.

This time instead of running towards something, I find myself running away from something. There is a strong need to cross the river but I must rest for the night. Tomorrow will be another way.

The morning mist is laying very low, kissing the top of the trees. Dew dripping from the tips of soft, large leaves drips onto my forehead and wakes me. Softly the sun rises to light up the day.

Waking to a new dawn, I must complete my journey. Now I find myself to be a Greek soldier. The cold water of the river running between my legs is forceful and I struggle to keep my balance. "I must cross and must reach the other side."

On the other side of the river is a marshy area. Foggy and slippery, this bog I must cross.

On the other side I will find my home. Finally I can rest.

To be continued...

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This dream is full of imagery, mixed mythologies and dark undertones. It is gigantic in the story it is trying to tell me and so vivid that - awake - I can still see the images. In the first part I am a Nordic warrior on a journey to (what in the song is called) Valhalla. ("In Norse mythology, Valhalla is a majestic, enormous hall located in Asgard, ruled over by the god Odin. Chosen by Odin, those that die in combat travel to Valhalla upon death, led by the Valkyries." - Wikipedia). At the end of battle I return, as a chosen one, to Valhalla. But being "lost in this forest" I feel like I do not belong there.

Therefore in the second part I travel to the end of the dark forest to the light of the "clearing" running away from death to the valley where my home is.

Waiting for the next day "There is a strong need to cross the river but I must rest for the night." So why am I now a Greek soldier waiting for darkness to be over to cross the river? Well in Greek mythology - the transcending from one world to the other is reprensented by the crossing of the River Styx. By crossing back across the river I am trying to escape darkness and am now trying to embrace my previous life.

Now onto the next part... (see next post)

You Can't Cross the Sea Merely by Standing...

You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water."
-Rabindranath Tagore

So this is where I am finding myself lately. Standing at the shores of life looking out to the horizon, waiting to see what the future will bring.

I find that I have let the economy (or should I say - the stories, chatter, news about the state of the economy) dictate that I stay stranded on these shores.

Fear has a way of causing me to be frozen. Forcing myself to seek out new contacts. Join new networks - even look up some old friends and rekindle those friendships.

Action is the only antidote!

FreakN Friday Video - Fly Me to the Moon

Oct 24, 2008 : America's Got Talent - Fly Me to the Moon.

Paul Salos as Frank Sinatra. This guy has Sinatra down packed!

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FreakNFriday as in freaking amazing! freaking wonderful! freaking funny!! You get the idea...

Just sharing, having fun & keeping it light!

FreakN Friday Video - Horror Cat

FreakN as in freaking amazing! freaking wonderful! freaking funny!! You get the idea...

So I am doing something different here. I am going to post every Friday a new song/video that I find to be amazing, wonderful, inspiring, funny and to share it with you in the hopes of spreading fun & lightness around.

Maybe you'll like my choice or hate it, let me know, but the real purpose is just spreading fun & lightness around. Since the economy took a dive, people & things just seem to be getting heavy & significant now-a-days. Even some of my posts.

So, anyway the idea is to have a fun Friday & a post that will amaze you, make you laugh (Oops, I know I said that already!) or just really make you stop and think.

Let me know what you think - Rate it! Comment on it! Steal it!

Oct 3,2008 : Horror Cat Attacks!

Horror Cat is here to eat Fancy Feast and murder human beings... and she's all out of Fancy Feast!

You Can Count On Me

Today I am feeling a little sad & melancholic. In a couple of days it will be my wife's & my 20th year anniversary and we are not getting along too well. I've tried creating communication with her but it never goes how I want it to. I do things that I think will make her happy & it does not turn out that way.

To give you an example. Yesterday I decided to clean the house. My wife is working alot with her new business. She is even working on Saturdays till 5pm & has not had time to do the usual chores. It started simply enough. As I'm cleaning, my son tells me he wants to get a goldfish. I needed to prime the pump, clean the tank & get the water conditioned for the fish, but the sink was full of dirty dishes. So I think - get my son involved in the chores "I'll clean out the dishes and you help me by putting them in the dishwasher." I thought innocent enough - no big deal, but that is what it became - A Big Deal! In that moment my wife walks in the door, sees us doing the dishes, the vacuum hose sprawled out on the floor & the furniture moved around. She walks in & does not say a word. She picks up the vacuum I had left on the floor & starts vacuuming. Good so far right? She's getting into it!

- wrong - a storm's a brewing and I didn't even see the clouds roll in!

Within minutes the thunder clapped with "I walk in the door & you guys don't even kiss me hello! - never mind!" Then more cleaning - this time furiously - Oh Boy! something is going on! Even my son noticed. He finished the dishes and before I knew it he was gone to his room. Now the storm is in full force! Thunder and lighting - then a sharp lighting cracked "You don't have to smack me in the face like that!!" Whaaaat is going on?! Where did this come from & why is she feeling attacked just because I am cleaning the house?

So anyway I said to myself "I am not getting into a fight" & told her "My only intention is to clean the house." I must have missed something or not seen something, but boy was she mad. Avoiding a fight, I left the room. I went upstairs to clean the bedrooms. Without intending, this really pissed her off even more, because 1 hour later I came downstairs & she just continues with : "Don't start now thinking that you're so wonderful at cleaning." Holy sh&t! I can't be with this! Since when is cleaning the house a way of putting her down. I honestly did not intend nor think that she would respond like that!

Honestly, I did not have any ulterior motive in cleaning the house, except to clean it. Yes, normally this is not one of my chores, but I just could not take the dust anymore. I was physically getting sick (I have sinus problems & dust kills me!) The only thing that is present for me is that I did have an expectation that she would be happy. The thing that really saddens me is - when did I become the enemy?

In moments like this, I don't know what to say or do - so I withdraw. All I can do is be sad with where the argument went OR I can empower myself and just express what I really feel - if only here.

So this song does that for me. It says what I originally wanted to say & feel.

Precious love
I'll give to you
Blue as the sky and deep in the
Eyes of a love so true
Beautiful face
You make me feel
Light on the stairs
And lost in the air of a love so real

You can count on me
Count on my love
Count on me
Count on my love to see you through

Emerald eyes and China perfume
Caught on the wheel and lost in
The feel of a love so soon
Ruby lips
You make my song
Into the night and saved by the light
Of a love so strong

And you can count on me
Count on my love, baby
Count on me
Count on my love to see you through

Oooh, you can count on me, girl
You can count on my love

Precious love
I'll give it to you
Blue as the sky and deep in the
Eyes of a love so true
Beautiful face
You make me feel
Light on the stairs
And lost in the air of a love so real

And you can count on me
Count on my love
Count on me
Count on my love to see you through
- Jefferson Starship : Count On Me

Angelic Voice

Wow!!! This kid is amazing! You have to hear it.
His voice is so powerful, it had me in tears.

Good Morning...

Good Morning, May Light, Love & Peace be with you!


Cat Stevens - Morning Has Broken

Every morning I wake up with thoughts of what I have to deal with on this upcoming day. Sometimes they are positive things, but most of the times I do not wake up empowered. But my day will be what I say it will be. If I wake up and state "this day sucks already" - it will. But if I create a conversation that my day will be empowering, then it will be & I have a context to make it so.

So this morning my little voice is saying "today sucks already," BUT I choose to not listen & I will make it powerful

So Good Morning! May Light, Love & Peace be with you!

EuroVision : Old Favorites

Last Year's Winning Entry :


My Favorite - 2005 - Greece :


1974's Winner - Sweden : Abba - Waterloo

EuroVision 2008

That's right it's EuroVisions time!!

If you are not familiar with EuroVision, it's a song contest where one representative from each European country competes to be the best song in Europe. Citizens get to vote via phone or SMS to decide the winner of the contest.

It's pretty cool because I get to hear many different styles of music that is not common here in Florida / dare I say - in the U.S.A.!!!

Here is England's Entry : Andy Abraham - Even If


Serbia's Entry : Jelena Tomašević - Oro
Very soft (almost lullaby), beautiful song!



Moldova's Entry : Geta Burlacu - A Century Of Love


Greece's Entry : Kalomira - Secret Combination


Turkey's Entry : Mor ve Ötesi - Deli

Surrender

Another song that caught my attention & that stuck in my head. The lyrics are clean and simple. Beautiful song...

"I'm giving You my heart
All that is within
I lay it all down
For the sake of You my King
I'm giving You my dreams
laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride
For the promise of new life

And I Surrender
All to You, all to You
And I Surrender
All to You, all to You

Singing You this song
Waiting at the Cross
And all the world holds dear
Count it all as loss
For the sake of knowing You
For the glory of Your name
To know the lasting joy
Even sharing in Your pain"

And I Surrender
All to You, all to You
And I Surrender
All to You, all to You

- Marc James, Surrender

Just a Singer...

I've been listening to a lot of different music lately. Old Rolling Stones, Robert Plant, Bluegrass, The Texas Girls, Moody Blues, Antony and the Johnsons... many different style, many different artists. The one thing that I find in common in the different music is a sense of hope & a longing to belong. A sense of oneness seems to be what I'm drawn to.

Today, I was listening to the Moody Blue's "I'm Just A Singer (In A Rock And Roll Band)." I've heard this song so many times before, but this time was the first time that I actually got drawn into the lyrics. The words are inspiring to me.

"I'm just a wandering on the face of this earth
Meeting so many people
Who are trying to be free
And while I'm traveling I hear so many words

Language barriers broken
Now we've found the key
And if you want the wind of change
To blow about you
And you're the only other person to know, don't tell me
I'm just a singer in a rock and roll band.

A thousand pictures can be drawn from one word
Only who is the artist
We got to agree
A thousand miles can lead so many ways

Just to know who is driving
What a help it would be
So if you want this world of yours
To turn about you
And you can see exactly what to do
Please tell me
I'm just a singer in a rock and roll band.

How can we understand
Riots by the people for the people
Who are only destroying themselves
And when you see a frightened
Person who is frightened by the
People who are scorching this earth.

I'm just a wandering on the face of this earth
Meeting so many people
Who are trying to be free
And while I'm traveling I hear so many words

Language barriers broken
Now we've found the key
And if you want the wind of change
To blow about you
And you're the only other person to know, don't tell me
I'm just a singer in a rock and roll band.

How can we understand
Riots by the people for the people
Who are only destroying themselves
And when you see a frightened
Person who is frightened by the
People who are scorching this earth.

Music is the traveller crossing our world
Meeting so many people bridging the seas
I'm just a singer in a rock and roll band.
We're just the singers in a rock and roll band.
I'm just a singer in a rock and roll band..."

What I'm getting from these lyrics is that I can be a simple man (the singer) and my thoughts/ideas (wonderings) can actually make a difference in this world. My thoughts & ideas which are my music, are the "traveller" that crosses "worlds" and bridges the seas.

Music is the key - it is the one thing that all cultures have and it is the one thing that breaks down the barries that keep my soul from expressing itself. It has no pretences, no image to protect - just an expressions of my deeper soul. This is what is common in all man-kind - ours souls wanting to be free and its the key that makes the difference.

Foolish Old Man - #5

"I'm going to lunch. You want me to get you something?" asks my assistant Dani. A few moments of silence sits in the air as Dani waits for my reply. "What did you say - lunch, is it that time already?" I reply faking a happy distracted mood. Dani seems to be worried for me now and not sure what to say. "What's the matter? You have been so distracted all day long."

"Oh. nothing, I just got off the phone with Mercy and I got some sad news." Again a few seconds of silence as I stare at my computer screen and ponder what Mercy just said. The words "Kirk's daughters are busy right now and could not talk to me. But they gave me their OK to put him in Hospice." Wow! This left me feeling totally empty. How can they be so unconcerned.

I suddenly realize that Dani is waiting for me to continue. "Nothing really!" I reply, forcing an even more insecure smile. She stares me down to tell her the truth "It's just that Mercy had to take Kirk to the hospital & she just gave me some bad news." Dani pulls up a chair and immediately sits down, almost as if to say - Tell me more...

"Mercy just had to put Kirk in Hospice." Dani & I are just sitting there staring at each other - not sure what to say. I'm sitting there silently thinking, was it Kirk that I was waiting for at the gates of heaven?

"Oh my God! Hospice? Isn't Kirk that older gentleman that Mercy takes care of?" Dani adds. Before I could reply she continues. "Why is Mercy the one registering him into Hospice? Isn't his family supposed to be there to do it?" This question hit me hard. Kirk has no one - here. He finds himself all alone & the only person to love & care for him is Mercy.

It hit home for me & my mind immediately flashes to a future of where my life is heading. I am so wrapped up in my worries. So wrapped up in myself & circumstances that I leave people aside. Paying the bills and making my business work can't be the only things I devote my time to if I want my family to be there for me. I saw myself - in my future - as Kirk is right now!

I see myself laying in a hospital bed. I'm a frail old man, laying there with all kinds of wires poking into my body, and thick tubes hanging out of my nose. There are loads of machines that seem to be monitoring all my vital signs. Nurses are urgently dashing in and out of the room. There is plenty of activity going on as people are taking care of me. I am seeing this as I'm floating over my bed looking down at myself. I see one nurse taking my pulse while another nurse is preparing the heart defibrillator. Everything is beeping like crazy! The monitor alarms going off and the life line on the screen all of a sudden goes... flat!

I see the doctor leaning over me, trying to listen for my breath. "That's OK nurse. We're not going to need that now." He says and just pauses for a second, As if to make sure that this is his final decision.

"He's gone."

Then everything goes silent! No beeping, no alarms going off. Nothing!

I can't hear a sound and things seem to be in slow motion and foggy now. I look around the room and all I see is sterile white walls and the coldness of all the metallic equipment. Not one bouquet of flower to add color to my world, nor there to soften the scent in the air. Not one card or picture to breakup the sterile white-ness of my space.

And worse of all - not one person crying for me as my soul drifts out of my body. Wher is Mercy and Marc? Have I chased them away?

What have I done with my life?

As I drift away all there is, is a soft song that fills the air. I had the radio tuned to a classic rock station before all this started. And up until now I did not even hear that radio.

But now...

the music just fills my soul. The serenity of the moment and the peace in nothingness fills me. The only thing I can focus on is the lyrics of this song playing:

Isn't life strange
A turn of the page
A book without light
Unless with love we write
To throw it away
To lose just a day
The quicksand of time
You know it makes me want to cry cry, cry.

Wish I could be in your heart
To be one with your love
Wish I could be in your eyes
Looking back - there you were...

- Moody Blues (Isn't Life Strange)

As I ascend past the ceiling of my room, the sounds of the room start to fade away. The lyrics, now just a distant memory, makes me wonder - if some of those, that I've left behind long ago, who shared my happiest moments - ever think about me. I start to cry and weep from all the loneliness I've created around me, as I drift away for all eternity.

"What's the matter?" Dani questions, shocking me back to the present moment. "Why are you crying?" Dani reaches over and hands me a tissue to dry my tears. As my mind settles back to my present day reality, I get frightened by that future. I need to do something so that my future does not look like that! As I land back into my body, I feel compelled to answer Dani. "No, Kirk's daughters live in California and in New Jersey. They are busy and cannot be here to put him in Hospice. We are his family here. He is my father-in-law; my mother; my cousin. He is all that I know - all that I've lost - all that I am. I need to care for him now."

Farther then the Sun

A hauntingly beautiful song by Caroline Lavelle! As I listen to this song I am drawn to a moment of pure clarity. The music, the words, the melancholic melody puts me in a dream state and I just melt away into the words. I am pulled in & even to the point of being absorbed by the words. I feel her emotion and even feel the anger that gave life to her words.

The sea it freezes over to trap the light And I'm in love with being in love and you were never quite the one. in Gerda's eyes, fragments of what you've become and all the moths that fly at night believe electric light is bright you are not worthy."

I love to dig into a song's lyrics to find its meaning. I love to know what story inspired the creation of the song. So needless to say "in Gerda's eyes, fragments of what you've become" really caught my attention.

This is a reference to Hans Christian Andersen's story "The Snow Queen." In the story Gerda is a little girl that goes to the end's of the world to recapture Kay's love. Kay was enchanted by a witch's spell. (Read more about the spell)

Once upon a time there was a wicked sprite, indeed he was the most mischievous of all sprites. This sprite had created a mirror where all that was good and beautiful when it was reflected therein, to look poor and mean... One day the mirror shattered into million little pieces hardly so large as a grain of sand. And each piece has as much power as the original mirror. Kay catches one in his eye and in his heart and is turn cold as ice.

Gerda goes to the end's of the world to save Kay from the evil "spell" he is under & to recapture his love. Kay is blind to the world around him and sees nothing. His heart is frozen over, does not remember Gerda & feels nothing for no one. Gerda gives up everything in her life to save Kay.

Her warm tears can cause roses to grow from soil that was once frozen over, but cannot find Kay to unfreeze him. Finally when she does find him and is able to free him from the spell, they return home to find that the years have past them by and she has lost much more then she thought.

Fragment of what Kay has become under the spell - in love with the Snow Queen and no memory of Gerta. He is blinded to the world around him and sees nothing. His heart is frozen over, does not feel Gerda's love & feels nothing for no one. Gerda gives up everything in her life to search for and save Kay. Her "warm tears" can cause roses to grow from soil that was once frozen over, but cannot find Kay to unfreeze him.

Finally when she does find him and is able to warm his heart and break the spell, they return home to find that the years have past them by and she has lost much more then she thought. In recapturing Kay and his love, she has lost it all!

"you are not worthy, you are not worthy"

So in the song, the writer sees herself as Gerda - in love with the idea of Love and has given everything up for this ideal. Her realization that giving up everything, even her 'self' for him - is what she is questioning. Now in her mind is he "worthy" of her love? The story leaves you wondering - what the future holds for them, we do not know. Is he ever going to be capable of loving her as profoundly as she does him?

Her pain & disappointment is strong & I'm feeling it all! This struck a chord with me. I felt as if she was speaking to me. This seems to be a re-occurring theme for me. It is what the old man in my "Bella Mercedes" story and in my "Foolish Old Man" story are doing. Am I too wrapped up in what I've lost, that I let the world just pass me by?

I am so wrapped up in my business. Paying bills, making my business grow, making my life work; grieving my lost ones, that I do not see Mercy's moments of hope (tears). Am I too frozen over for her warm tears - capable of thawing roses frozen over by a harsh winter - it may not be capable of reaching me. How am I going to be worthy??

This song is haunting, spellbinding and beautiful - just beautiful in it's message!

Shower the People You Love with Love

It has been a few months since I've written on this blog. See in August my mother passed away. I miss her a lot and I'm always thinking about her. But this morning I woke up with this song in my head. I don't know why but I guess it has something to do with how my relationship with my sisters has been lately.

Don't get me wrong! It is not that its bad! only disconnected. We don't talk much except the superficial "hi, how are the kids" kinda calls. Since my mother's death, we have not been as close as it used to be. I guess I miss how we were. My sisters & I are not as connected. I guess each one of us is dealing with her death in our own ways. But deep in my heart, I fear that we will never have that again. She was the matriarch of our family and she was the force that kept us together. We got together to visit with our mother. She always travelled back & forth between Ecuador & here. She would stay for a couple of months & then go back. She did this a few times a year.

Since she left we don't really get together much anymore. So accepting the reality that things may never be the way they were, is hard.

This song James Taylor - Shower the People You Love with Love (MP3) inspires me to create unity in my family ANYWAY!! No matter what the circumstance may look like.

Just taking it on - no reasons or justifications - just because I want it to exist!!

So I share this song, video & lyrics so that you can be inspired as well.

"You can play the game and you can act out the part
Though you know it wasn't written for you
But tell me, how can you stand there with your broken heart
Ashamed of playing the fool
One thing can lead to another; it doesn't take any sacrifice
Oh, father and mother,and sister and brother
if it feels nice, don't think twice (yes)

Shower the people you love with love
Show them the way that you feel
Things are gonna be just fine if you only will(do as i say, yeah)
Shower the people you love with love
Show them the way that you feel
Things are gonna be much better if you only will

You can run but you cannot hide
This is widely known
And what you plan to do with your foolish pride
When you're all by yourself alone
Once you tell somebody the way that you feel
You can feel it beginning to ease
I think it's true what they say about the squeaky wheel
Always getting the grease.

Better to shower the people you love with love
(Yes and) show them the way that you feel
(I know) Things are gonna be just fine if you only will
(what I'd like to do to you)
Shower the people you love with love
Show them the way you feel
Things are gonna be much better if you only will

Shower the people you love with love
Show them the way that you feel

They say in every life
They say the rain must fall
Just like the pouring rain
Make it rain
Make it rain
Love, love, love is sunshine oh
Make it rain
Love, love, love is sunshine yeah
Everybody, everybody, everybody, everybody."

- James Taylor

Crazy Frog Bros.

Funny video! Check it out.

Poop Today

Been goofing off this afternoon. Not much happening in the office today. It's close to the end of the day & I am getting ready to go to my SELP seminar & work on my Descansos project. Spent the last couple hours googling for goofy stuff.

Hey, but it was not a total waste of time - Check out this funny video - Poop Today & Rodney Carrington's Letter to My Penis (MP3).

An Angry Young Man

There's a place in the world for the angry young man
With his working class ties and his radical plans
He refuses to bend he refuses to crawl
And he's always at home with his back to the wall
And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost
And struggles and bleeds as he hangs on his cross
And likes to be known as the angry young man

Give a moment or two to the angry young man
With his foot in his mouth and his heart in his hand
He's been stabbed in the back he's been misunderstood
It's a comfort to know his intentions are good
And he sits in his room with a lock on the door
With his maps and his medals laid out on the floor
And he likes to be known as the angry young man

I believe I've passed the age of consciousness and righteous rage
I found that just surviving was a noble fight
I once believed in causes too
I had my pointless point of view
And life went on no matter who was wrong or right

And there's always a place for the angry young man
With his fist in the air and his head in the sand
And he's never been able to learn from mistakes
So he can't understand why his heart always breaks
And his honor is pure and his courage is well
And he's fair and he's true and he's boring as hell
And he'll go to the grave as an angry old man

Billy Joel Lyrics from Turnstiles

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This continues my previous post. Anger is a state of mind that we can control. Sometimes we are so used to our anger and so close to it that we start to miss it when it is no longer there. It start to become us. We can ultimately define ourselves by our anger.

Yes this sound ridiculous, but how many times have you said "I'm so angry I can kill him!" Isn't this an even more ridiculous thought! Kill him! - do you hear yourself talk! Are you a murderer? I think not, but our words are spoken w/such fervor and intention that the anger transmits. What you say becomes real. Real in that your words now a new existance. You put it out there - out in the ether. Real thoughts, real emotions, real intentions. Still think that is ridiculous? When we yell at our kids and call them idiots, stupid, dumbass - that becomes their reality. The child grows up believing these words to be their reality. See how our words become real!

See how our anger can get the best of us - how it becomes so comfortable that we do not think twice when words spill out of our mouths. The intent materializes it!

Peaceful Resignation

(Visitation #6)

Death is only a horizon, and a horizon is only the limit of our sight. Open our eyes to see more clearly..."

-- William Penn

For the past 4-5 days I have been feeling very uneasy. A feeling of giving up & no longer trying - a sense of "peaceful resignation." Don't get me wrong, this is not me talking - at least not my usual self. I don't give up or give in easily. I was thinking of death but not in the way you may be thinking of it! My wife's uncle has been sick for a few days with stomach aches. He is 93 yrs old & I got the sense of peaceful resignation from him. All I could think off was avoiding the daily grind.

A sense of submission & withdrawal is overwhelming me. Work was the only thing that could occupy my mind with other things, but I did not want to be there. My stomach was very uneasy & even upset. I was constantly running to the bathroom today. It hurt not with typical stomach pains but from almost a sense of withdrawal. The feeling was all over me. Every thought & every sound. The music I listened to for the past 4 days has a melancholic tone. I was listening to the Kill Bill Vol. 1 soundtrack. Songs like The Lonely Shepherd (MP3) & Nancy Sinatra' Bang Bang (MP3). These songs have a mellow sound and bring back the past (but not my past). I even had a fascination with Arika Yamaoka's "Room of Angel" (MP3) - This song is from the Silent Hill 4 game & it has some dark undertones & black lyrics - "here's a lullaby to close your eyes - goodbye..." (No - the lyrics are not indicative of the person, just music that I was drawn to).

Even when I did not have the music on, this song occupied my mind.

The theme of resignation occupies my mind over & over again. Wednesday night we found out that my wife's uncle is diagnosed with cancer in the stomach & a blocked intestine and needs to be operated. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach & a sense of emptiness. A spiritual emptiness - like he was no longer there. Tonight we visited him again & I got a peaceful sense from him. He was in little pain & not awake, but I did feel his spirit. He was surrounded with the love of his family.

Tonight while sleeping I dreamt of him. Not his physical self but more his way of being. It was a nice feeling of peace, playfulness, serenity & love. That is who he is. We were two white puffy clouds floating in the sky. We were swirling together, playing and rejoicing life. The play felt like it had been going on for a lifetime, when all of a sudden his cloud pulled away from me and swished away forever.

-Bye-

Suddenly, at that very moment I woke up. It was 4am I awoke out of breath gasping for air. I felt like I was taking my last breath & there was no more air for me to breathe. I felt something leaving my soul & it took my breath with it. It took me a few minutes to get my breath back. My wife was helping me as I tried to explain to her my dream. "Why do you think that was him?" she asked me. I did not get a chance to answer.

It is now 4:30am and as I was trying to catch my breath, the phone rings! As my wife answer the phone, she turns around to look at me. "No way!" I think to myself. With that said. She tells me that it's her cousin. "The hospital called. He has just passed away." was all she said & all she needed to say - as I already knew. My wife gets ready & leaves for the hospital & I stay behind with our son, who is sleeping.

I could not fall back to sleep but am exhausted. This visitation really left me drained! It is now 6:30 am & I am listening to Arika Yamaoka's "Room of Angel" (MP3) song as I type this. I no longer feel pain; that sense of resignation nor a submissive feeling of loss. As my stomach frees itself of anxiety, I begin to feel peace, playfulness & love as it fills my very existence.

It is who he was! Rest in peace, Rojelio